The dire (although amusing) dating app diaries

I’ve tried them numerous times and put bluntly, they’re not for me and nor can I see myself on one ever again. Although they can be fun for some, dating apps can be debilitating and sometimes even a thick skin can prove difficult to uphold.

I’ve had it all!

THE CATFISH

Yes, that’s right. Men can be cat fishes too! I never thought I’d see the day when men started filtering and airbrushing their photos. Granted, women are the experts at this, but come on! It begs the question though, why would you filter a photo so much that it ultimately looks nothing like you? It’s embarrassing for both parties involved. I’d be mortified if I met with someone and they didn’t recognise me!

THE AWFUL CHAT UP LINES

Here are a few I’ve been sent, for your amusement – they get better as you go along..

‘Solid match, got my attention. What’s we saying?!!’

‘Hey Belle! you have the same name as my mates last name.. we call him Bellend!’. Bit late on that one, been called bellend or bellenda numerous times before.

‘Lonely Friday in lockdown? I’m a sharing pics kind of guy if you are? Always best to be honest.. ‘

‘Don’t really like Easter eggs but I’d enjoy unwrapping and nibbling on you.’ Received this one over Easter weekend – 10/10 for effort!!

‘As your name means beauty, can I be your beast?’ Had this one a few times and a few different versions referencing a beast in some way!

‘Are you into cuckolding?’ I had to Google this one, you may have to as well

And last but not least ..

‘Let’s play a game .. 2 truths and a lie; I’ve played for Chelsea. I’ve travelled around Asia. I have a 9 inch cock’ I obviously said the 3rd statement was a lie.

Apparently I was wrong. Silly me!

THE PREDATORS

These are the guys who start talking to you like absolute gents and then a day into what you think is a very civilised conversation, start questioning your sexual desires, or use the old school line of ‘what are you wearing?’. Funnily enough it’s a Wednesday night and I’m sitting here in some, quite frankly, unattractive baggy pyjamas. Most likely resembling an umpa lumpa after applying fake tan in preparation for the upcoming weekend. BUT, I’ll just pretend I’m sitting here in silky lingerie like a sex goddess, shall I?

THE ONE WITH ALZHEIMER’S

These guys send same witty paragraph to every match and then embarrassingly forget you’ve matched with them previously, resulting in them sending you the same spiel all over again!

THE PEN PAL

We’ve all been there, guys and girls! You could be chatting to someone for weeks and no matter how many hints are made, a date never happens.

And finally …

THE UN-MATCHERS/GHOSTERS

Both are just as bad (ghosting may be slightly worse!). You need to be super resilient for these ones. You can say the slightest thing wrong and be unmatched within seconds or just never spoken to again. These ones, I’ll struggle to ever understand and find it quite cruel that people can be so judgemental very quickly. Either that, or very fickle once they think they’ve found someone better. It’s a cruel dating world!

For anyone thinking about venturing onto these apps, here’s a few tips from me:

⁃ try not to put your heart on your sleeve

⁃ never explicitly trust a profile, as people can be majorly different in real life (personality included)

⁃ Don’t be disheartened by an unmatch or rejection. Quite simply, you won’t be everyone’s type

⁃ Be true yourself and upfront about what you’re looking for

Overall, I think these apps have made us lazy. It’s so easy to swipe left/right based on someone’s aesthetics and everyone seems to just be scrolling for the next best thing, rather than actually giving someone they like a decent chance. Furthermore, people are so quick to run away at the slightest hurdle these days and everyone is looking for perfection – it doesn’t exist!

Regardless of my very pessimistic view, I know these apps have worked for many. One of my best friends met the love of her life on tinder! So, there is hope .. Good luck to all in finding ‘the one’. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for being you, no exceptions.