Tag: vulnerability

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The dire (although amusing) dating app diaries

I’ve tried them numerous times and put bluntly, they’re not for me and nor can I see myself on one ever again. Although they can be fun for some, dating apps can be debilitating and sometimes even a thick skin can prove difficult to uphold.

I’ve had it all!

THE CATFISH

Yes, that’s right. Men can be cat fishes too! I never thought I’d see the day when men started filtering and airbrushing their photos. Granted, women are the experts at this, but come on! It begs the question though, why would you filter a photo so much that it ultimately looks nothing like you? It’s embarrassing for both parties involved. I’d be mortified if I met with someone and they didn’t recognise me!

THE AWFUL CHAT UP LINES

Here are a few I’ve been sent, for your amusement – they get better as you go along..

‘Solid match, got my attention. What’s we saying?!!’

‘Hey Belle! you have the same name as my mates last name.. we call him Bellend!’. Bit late on that one, been called bellend or bellenda numerous times before.

‘Lonely Friday in lockdown? I’m a sharing pics kind of guy if you are? Always best to be honest.. ‘

‘Don’t really like Easter eggs but I’d enjoy unwrapping and nibbling on you.’ Received this one over Easter weekend – 10/10 for effort!!

‘As your name means beauty, can I be your beast?’ Had this one a few times and a few different versions referencing a beast in some way!

‘Are you into cuckolding?’ I had to Google this one, you may have to as well

And last but not least ..

‘Let’s play a game .. 2 truths and a lie; I’ve played for Chelsea. I’ve travelled around Asia. I have a 9 inch cock’ I obviously said the 3rd statement was a lie.

Apparently I was wrong. Silly me!

THE PREDATORS

These are the guys who start talking to you like absolute gents and then a day into what you think is a very civilised conversation, start questioning your sexual desires, or use the old school line of ‘what are you wearing?’. Funnily enough it’s a Wednesday night and I’m sitting here in some, quite frankly, unattractive baggy pyjamas. Most likely resembling an umpa lumpa after applying fake tan in preparation for the upcoming weekend. BUT, I’ll just pretend I’m sitting here in silky lingerie like a sex goddess, shall I?

THE ONE WITH ALZHEIMER’S

These guys send same witty paragraph to every match and then embarrassingly forget you’ve matched with them previously, resulting in them sending you the same spiel all over again!

THE PEN PAL

We’ve all been there, guys and girls! You could be chatting to someone for weeks and no matter how many hints are made, a date never happens.

And finally …

THE UN-MATCHERS/GHOSTERS

Both are just as bad (ghosting may be slightly worse!). You need to be super resilient for these ones. You can say the slightest thing wrong and be unmatched within seconds or just never spoken to again. These ones, I’ll struggle to ever understand and find it quite cruel that people can be so judgemental very quickly. Either that, or very fickle once they think they’ve found someone better. It’s a cruel dating world!

For anyone thinking about venturing onto these apps, here’s a few tips from me:

⁃ try not to put your heart on your sleeve

⁃ never explicitly trust a profile, as people can be majorly different in real life (personality included)

⁃ Don’t be disheartened by an unmatch or rejection. Quite simply, you won’t be everyone’s type

⁃ Be true yourself and upfront about what you’re looking for

Overall, I think these apps have made us lazy. It’s so easy to swipe left/right based on someone’s aesthetics and everyone seems to just be scrolling for the next best thing, rather than actually giving someone they like a decent chance. Furthermore, people are so quick to run away at the slightest hurdle these days and everyone is looking for perfection – it doesn’t exist!

Regardless of my very pessimistic view, I know these apps have worked for many. One of my best friends met the love of her life on tinder! So, there is hope .. Good luck to all in finding ‘the one’. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for being you, no exceptions.

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18 things I would say to my 18 year old self

1. You’ve probably just come back from Malia (and had the best time), but I promise your holidays will become a tad classier in future years and whenever you hear Kid Cudi’s, ‘Day & Night’, it will always make you reminisce! Also, I hope you made the most of it, because you can’t get a holiday in the U.K. for £400 these days.

2. Although you might detest the retail job you’re currently in, you’ll meet some of your best friends there, some of whom are still in your life today.

3. Never trust someone called Jack, or Sam, who offers you their milkshake at the end of a work shift – it’s a concoction of washing up liquid and anything else they could find in the kitchen! If only you knew before you took that large sip!

4. That same retail job will actually land you a job in a career you’ve been in ever since. So make sure you’re nice to every customer, as one of them will end up training you in your first insurance role! Thank you, for taking a chance on me, Julie!

5. That guy you meet at a bar (in Zens, for those of you who loved a night out in Dartford 😉 ) may be your first love but won’t be your forever love. So, when you do split up, don’t go into a world of despair, you’ve got years before you need to settle down.

6. Be careful what you write on Facebook – they’ll introduce a new feature whereby you can look back at your old statuses and you will cringe at the content and your vocabulary!

7. Delete your MySpace account – at the age of 31 you’ll realise it’s still online for all to see. Doh.

8. You’re NOT fat. Love the body you have now, because it’s going to be way harder to keep the weight off later on haha. There’s no way you can consume a large dominos every week now!

9. Don’t give up kickboxing! Your health is way more important than boozy nights out!

10. Carry on with acting – you love it and you’ll majorly regret that you didn’t pursue it.

Now, onto the deeper stuff…

11. Right now you don’t want children (and that’s not a bad thing), but stay open minded as that will change. You’ll want a family of your own one day!

12. Do not expect everyone to give back the same level of respect you give them. Unfortunately, you, like many others, will feel completely let down by people you think you can count on. Do not let that change you, or make you bitter.

13. You will end up losing a few good friends who you thought would be in your life forever. Most of this will be simply be because your lives have taken a different path and you’ve grown apart. There’s nothing wrong with this and sometimes friends are only there at particular points in our lives for a reason.

14. You’ll endure a lot of heartbreak and rejection in the next 10+ years and sometimes you’ll feel like giving up. Please don’t. I’m writing this now as I feel like doing the same but please don’t lose hope that someone will love you in a way you’ve always wanted.

15. Keep your guard up a little more and don’t let everyone in, not everyone has good intentions.

16. Embrace change and don’t worry about the future too much, or you’ll end up consumed by it.

17. Start having therapy as soon as you can. You may not think it now, but you’ll need it and It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ll be ok, I promise.

18. Be happy and live in the moment. You won’t know it yet, but you’ll look back and really miss these next few years.

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Why I Started Counselling and Why You Should Too

Counselling/therapy (whatever you want to call it) – why is there still such a huge stigma around it? When you’re ill, or your body is hurt and you need to recuperate, you rest and you feed your body back to healthy. So, why is it less important or ’embarrassing’ do to the same with your mind? The UK counselling directory states that 615 million, yes, million, people suffer with anxiety and depression – and that’s the ones they know about. It’s so important to self assess and realise that you are at such a low point that you need help.

For me, this started around 6 years ago. I won’t go into the details of my upbringing, but to cut the long story short I no longer speak to either of my parents. I usually put on a front and say it doesn’t bother me, but truth be told I just cried a little writing this. I still hold an untold amount of resentment towards them and its something I am slowly trying to change. I still carry some of their baggage and still blame them for the way I handle situations, my feelings of abandonment and those of you reading this have probably noticed that I crave love, even if it hurts me in the process. Because of them, I have become the opposite and instead of abandoning people, I try to see the good in people and become a ‘fixer’. Something I have been told by two counsellors. The fixing part, I can change and am actively trying to (boundaries, right?). Unfortunately though, I will always have that need and want for stability with someone I love.

So, after months of being up and down with my emotions, I decided to book my first appointment. I will never forget what I learnt about myself within an hour. My counsellor asked me to tell her about myself and in response I spent ten minutes rattling off all of my life achievements, the holidays I had been on, my job etc. After this, we carried on with why I felt the need for counselling and how I felt. It wasn’t until the very end of the session, she made the very valid point of asking me whether I noticed anything interesting about my response to her “Tell me about yourself”. I hadn’t told her anything about me. I had listed off all my accomplishments. This followed with, “Have you ever felt like your parents are proud of you?”….I think you can all guess the answer to that based on my first response. The sessions that followed obviously became more in-depth and I slowly started to feel better. I’m nowhere near completely OK yet (who is?), but I like to think I’ve taken a lot on board.

That was one session, with someone I had met for one hour. So, imagine what a weekly counselling session can do for you when you are feeling at your lowest? I sometimes see my counsellor just to vent, not for anything specific. After lock-down I will most likely be back there having a little cry or a moan about something!

Now, just to make it clear, it is not a quick fix – counsellors are not there to fix you. They are there to help you figure out why you react to situations in a certain way (your ‘inner child’ has a lot to do with this) and then work on ways to change these behavioural patterns. Also, don’t be put off by your first session – most of the time they are more of a ‘get to know’ type session and sometimes you just end up unleashing tons of bottled up emotions without making much sense!

Although extremely brief, I hope this encourages someone to seek the help they need. These are tough times for everyone.

Being vulnerable is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.

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