I never thought I would have the guts to put this out there, but if writing this can help me release some pent up feelings and at the same time help someone in a similar situation relate – why not, eh?
I’d like to think I’m doing OK for myself – from the outset I’m independent, have a stable job in the City, live on my own, live comfortably on a single income and most importantly, have some of the most amazing friends a girl could wish for.
But, on the inside, I have an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt and worry. It comes in waves, but can leave me feeling so low some days that I don’t want to speak to anyone, or do anything. I just want to hide away and shut down.
It’s the worry that I’m never going to have what I really want – a family. You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that I don’t need a man to feel fulfilled, but that’s just not me. I’m 31 in 3 weeks, I’m single and I want nothing more than to just meet someone I connect with, someone to laugh with, someone to share my day with. I miss companionship and connecting on a deeper level than all of the pretentious bullshit you see these days plastered all over the internet.
It’s everywhere.
Social media – a platform that can cause a hell of a lot of misery and mental health issues (as is now becoming very apparent and being spoken about more frequently). When I first started using Facebook and Instagram it was all fun and photos of drunken nights out with friends. Now, at the age of 30, it’s an endless sea of couples, engagements, babies and weddings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my friends! I love visiting a newborn baby and watching my friends’ babies grow into little human beings. Plus, who doesn’t love a good wedding too? Especially those abroad – great excuse for another holiday.
However, we all know that society doesn’t use it as a platform to be REAL- I’m totally guilty of this too…if you saw mine, you would just think I was a ‘happy-go-lucky’ singleton, constantly having fun and living her ‘best life’, as they say. What’s worse is that if you do then use it to show a little emotion, or realness, you’re judged and seen as an attention seeker. To be honest, I’m at the point now where I don’t give a f**k what anyone thinks of me putting these blogs up. I would rather show people that it’s OK to have emotions and to show them, instead of being fake.
Onto the next – dating apps – (in my eyes) one of the worst platforms ever invented. To the point I refused to use them for a little while before taking the plunge. They can build you up and drag you down within minutes. They can be an ego boost, or a just a hub of rejection. In the last 2 years I’ve found myself constantly deleting and re-uploading them. Bumble, for example, prompts the woman to speak first once they have matched and if the guy doesn’t reply within 24 hours it unmatches automatically – it’s hard after a little while to not take the failed attempt at making conversation personally. Let’s also not forget the fact that these apps are purely based on looks. Full of faces which are most likely unrecognisable in person and gym selfies. What happened to just meeting in a bar and getting to know someone? Also, is chivalry dead? I ask this because many men (and I’m sure women too), use these apps simply to sleep around – not actually date. If they haven’t already, why doesn’t someone just invent an app for sex only…at least users would know where they stood straight away, rather than receiving messages like “the things I would do to you”; yes, genuinely received that once. Don’t get me started on ‘ghosting’ too; what I describe as the ‘coward’s way out’. Seriously, where’s the level of respect gone?
It’s not all negative though – I have friends getting married who have met on these apps, so I know for a fact they do work sometimes, but they’re just not for me. It’s at the point now where I question every little move I’ve made on a date, questioning whether I’ve said the right thing, worn the right thing etc. It’s left me feeling a little empty and unworthy when feelings are constantly unrequited. It can leave me questioning, ‘why am I not good enough?’.
The purpose of me sharing this is with hope that it can help someone of a similar situation see that you are not alone – because I’m not afraid to admit that it really does feel lonely sometimes. If you’re a female, in your early 30s and wondering when your life will take a different course, I feel you. You’re not the only one who gets asked regularly why you aren’t in a relationship, or why you don’t have children yet. Or better yet, ‘Do you actually want kids?’, as if it’s easy to just find a guy to start a family with, just because everyone else is doing it.
Ladies, keep going, set the boundaries, pick yourself up after the rejection and live in the hope that it will happen one day. Also, it’s not all bad – no one to answer to and no one to keep you awake at night with their constant snoring and farting.
Just keep trying and embrace it while you can- it’s what I have to keep telling myself.
bellesthoughts.com 