Tag: single

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The dire (although amusing) dating app diaries

I’ve tried them numerous times and put bluntly, they’re not for me and nor can I see myself on one ever again. Although they can be fun for some, dating apps can be debilitating and sometimes even a thick skin can prove difficult to uphold.

I’ve had it all!

THE CATFISH

Yes, that’s right. Men can be cat fishes too! I never thought I’d see the day when men started filtering and airbrushing their photos. Granted, women are the experts at this, but come on! It begs the question though, why would you filter a photo so much that it ultimately looks nothing like you? It’s embarrassing for both parties involved. I’d be mortified if I met with someone and they didn’t recognise me!

THE AWFUL CHAT UP LINES

Here are a few I’ve been sent, for your amusement – they get better as you go along..

‘Solid match, got my attention. What’s we saying?!!’

‘Hey Belle! you have the same name as my mates last name.. we call him Bellend!’. Bit late on that one, been called bellend or bellenda numerous times before.

‘Lonely Friday in lockdown? I’m a sharing pics kind of guy if you are? Always best to be honest.. ‘

‘Don’t really like Easter eggs but I’d enjoy unwrapping and nibbling on you.’ Received this one over Easter weekend – 10/10 for effort!!

‘As your name means beauty, can I be your beast?’ Had this one a few times and a few different versions referencing a beast in some way!

‘Are you into cuckolding?’ I had to Google this one, you may have to as well

And last but not least ..

‘Let’s play a game .. 2 truths and a lie; I’ve played for Chelsea. I’ve travelled around Asia. I have a 9 inch cock’ I obviously said the 3rd statement was a lie.

Apparently I was wrong. Silly me!

THE PREDATORS

These are the guys who start talking to you like absolute gents and then a day into what you think is a very civilised conversation, start questioning your sexual desires, or use the old school line of ‘what are you wearing?’. Funnily enough it’s a Wednesday night and I’m sitting here in some, quite frankly, unattractive baggy pyjamas. Most likely resembling an umpa lumpa after applying fake tan in preparation for the upcoming weekend. BUT, I’ll just pretend I’m sitting here in silky lingerie like a sex goddess, shall I?

THE ONE WITH ALZHEIMER’S

These guys send same witty paragraph to every match and then embarrassingly forget you’ve matched with them previously, resulting in them sending you the same spiel all over again!

THE PEN PAL

We’ve all been there, guys and girls! You could be chatting to someone for weeks and no matter how many hints are made, a date never happens.

And finally …

THE UN-MATCHERS/GHOSTERS

Both are just as bad (ghosting may be slightly worse!). You need to be super resilient for these ones. You can say the slightest thing wrong and be unmatched within seconds or just never spoken to again. These ones, I’ll struggle to ever understand and find it quite cruel that people can be so judgemental very quickly. Either that, or very fickle once they think they’ve found someone better. It’s a cruel dating world!

For anyone thinking about venturing onto these apps, here’s a few tips from me:

⁃ try not to put your heart on your sleeve

⁃ never explicitly trust a profile, as people can be majorly different in real life (personality included)

⁃ Don’t be disheartened by an unmatch or rejection. Quite simply, you won’t be everyone’s type

⁃ Be true yourself and upfront about what you’re looking for

Overall, I think these apps have made us lazy. It’s so easy to swipe left/right based on someone’s aesthetics and everyone seems to just be scrolling for the next best thing, rather than actually giving someone they like a decent chance. Furthermore, people are so quick to run away at the slightest hurdle these days and everyone is looking for perfection – it doesn’t exist!

Regardless of my very pessimistic view, I know these apps have worked for many. One of my best friends met the love of her life on tinder! So, there is hope .. Good luck to all in finding ‘the one’. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for being you, no exceptions.

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18 things I would say to my 18 year old self

1. You’ve probably just come back from Malia (and had the best time), but I promise your holidays will become a tad classier in future years and whenever you hear Kid Cudi’s, ‘Day & Night’, it will always make you reminisce! Also, I hope you made the most of it, because you can’t get a holiday in the U.K. for £400 these days.

2. Although you might detest the retail job you’re currently in, you’ll meet some of your best friends there, some of whom are still in your life today.

3. Never trust someone called Jack, or Sam, who offers you their milkshake at the end of a work shift – it’s a concoction of washing up liquid and anything else they could find in the kitchen! If only you knew before you took that large sip!

4. That same retail job will actually land you a job in a career you’ve been in ever since. So make sure you’re nice to every customer, as one of them will end up training you in your first insurance role! Thank you, for taking a chance on me, Julie!

5. That guy you meet at a bar (in Zens, for those of you who loved a night out in Dartford 😉 ) may be your first love but won’t be your forever love. So, when you do split up, don’t go into a world of despair, you’ve got years before you need to settle down.

6. Be careful what you write on Facebook – they’ll introduce a new feature whereby you can look back at your old statuses and you will cringe at the content and your vocabulary!

7. Delete your MySpace account – at the age of 31 you’ll realise it’s still online for all to see. Doh.

8. You’re NOT fat. Love the body you have now, because it’s going to be way harder to keep the weight off later on haha. There’s no way you can consume a large dominos every week now!

9. Don’t give up kickboxing! Your health is way more important than boozy nights out!

10. Carry on with acting – you love it and you’ll majorly regret that you didn’t pursue it.

Now, onto the deeper stuff…

11. Right now you don’t want children (and that’s not a bad thing), but stay open minded as that will change. You’ll want a family of your own one day!

12. Do not expect everyone to give back the same level of respect you give them. Unfortunately, you, like many others, will feel completely let down by people you think you can count on. Do not let that change you, or make you bitter.

13. You will end up losing a few good friends who you thought would be in your life forever. Most of this will be simply be because your lives have taken a different path and you’ve grown apart. There’s nothing wrong with this and sometimes friends are only there at particular points in our lives for a reason.

14. You’ll endure a lot of heartbreak and rejection in the next 10+ years and sometimes you’ll feel like giving up. Please don’t. I’m writing this now as I feel like doing the same but please don’t lose hope that someone will love you in a way you’ve always wanted.

15. Keep your guard up a little more and don’t let everyone in, not everyone has good intentions.

16. Embrace change and don’t worry about the future too much, or you’ll end up consumed by it.

17. Start having therapy as soon as you can. You may not think it now, but you’ll need it and It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ll be ok, I promise.

18. Be happy and live in the moment. You won’t know it yet, but you’ll look back and really miss these next few years.

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Single in a Soulless Society

I never thought I would have the guts to put this out there, but if writing this can help me release some pent up feelings and at the same time help someone in a similar situation relate – why not, eh? 

I’d like to think I’m doing OK for myself – from the outset I’m independent, have a stable job in the City, live on my own, live comfortably on a single income and most importantly, have some of the most amazing friends a girl could wish for. 

But, on the inside, I have an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt and worry. It comes in waves, but can leave me feeling so low some days that I don’t want to speak to anyone, or do anything. I just want to hide away and shut down. 

It’s the worry that I’m never going to have what I really want – a family. You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that I don’t need a man to feel fulfilled, but that’s just not me. I’m 31 in 3 weeks, I’m single and I want nothing more than to just meet someone I connect with, someone to laugh with, someone to share my day with. I miss companionship and connecting on a deeper level than all of the pretentious bullshit you see these days plastered all over the internet.  

It’s everywhere. 

Social media – a platform that can cause a hell of a lot of misery and mental health issues (as is now becoming very apparent and being spoken about more frequently). When I first started using Facebook and Instagram it was all fun and photos of drunken nights out with friends. Now, at the age of 30, it’s an endless sea of couples, engagements, babies and weddings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my friends! I love visiting a newborn baby and watching my friends’ babies grow into little human beings. Plus, who doesn’t love a good wedding too? Especially those abroad – great excuse for another holiday.

However, we all know that society doesn’t use it as a platform to be REAL- I’m totally guilty of this too…if you saw mine, you would just think I was a ‘happy-go-lucky’ singleton, constantly having fun and living her ‘best life’, as they say. What’s worse is that if you do then use it to show a little emotion, or realness, you’re judged and seen as an attention seeker. To be honest, I’m at the point now where I don’t give a f**k what anyone thinks of me putting these blogs up. I would rather show people that it’s OK to have emotions and to show them, instead of being fake. 

Onto the next – dating apps – (in my eyes) one of the worst platforms ever invented. To the point I refused to use them for a little while before taking the plunge. They can build you up and drag you down within minutes. They can be an ego boost, or a just a hub of rejection. In the last 2 years I’ve found myself constantly deleting and re-uploading them. Bumble, for example, prompts the woman to speak first once they have matched and if the guy doesn’t reply within 24 hours it unmatches automatically – it’s hard after a little while to not take the failed attempt at making conversation personally. Let’s also not forget the fact that these apps are purely based on looks. Full of faces which are most likely unrecognisable in person and gym selfies. What happened to just meeting in a bar and getting to know someone? Also, is chivalry dead? I ask this because many men (and I’m sure women too), use these apps simply to sleep around – not actually date. If they haven’t already, why doesn’t someone just invent an app for sex only…at least users would know where they stood straight away, rather than receiving messages like “the things I would do to you”; yes, genuinely received that once. Don’t get me started on ‘ghosting’ too; what I describe as the ‘coward’s way out’. Seriously, where’s the level of respect gone?

It’s not all negative though – I have friends getting married who have met on these apps, so I know for a fact they do work sometimes, but they’re just not for me. It’s at the point now where I question every little move I’ve made on a date, questioning whether I’ve said the right thing, worn the right thing etc. It’s left me feeling a little empty and unworthy when feelings are constantly unrequited. It can leave me questioning, ‘why am I not good enough?’. 

The purpose of me sharing this is with hope that it can help someone of a similar situation see that you are not alone – because I’m not afraid to admit that it really does feel lonely sometimes. If you’re a female, in your early 30s and wondering when your life will take a different course, I feel you. You’re not the only one who gets asked regularly why you aren’t in a relationship, or why you don’t have children yet. Or better yet, ‘Do you actually want kids?’, as if it’s easy to just find a guy to start a family with, just because everyone else is doing it.

Ladies, keep going, set the boundaries, pick yourself up after the rejection and live in the hope that it will happen one day. Also, it’s not all bad – no one to answer to and no one to keep you awake at night with their constant snoring and farting.

Just keep trying and embrace it while you can- it’s what I have to keep telling myself.

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How To Handle Isolated Isolation…

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” — Mandy Hale

2020 – what a year it’s been so far. There is no point in listing all the things that have happened, because right now the main subject on everyone’s agenda is, of course, the dreaded COVID-19. The knife in everyone’s back and the reason half the nation is going stir crazy.

So, let’s start with the obvious. Isolation is not fun. Most of you (if you are following the rules) will not have seen family or friends for almost a month now and are isolating with the members of your household only. However, what about those who have no-one to isolate with? Those that are perhaps single, divorced, widowed, children have left home, spouses are key workers and aren’t around at normal times of the day etc. Personally, I fall into the single category and I can assure you that isolating alone is anything but exciting.

My job is very social and I interact with different people daily, so this is a huge shock to the system. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t found these last few weeks a struggle and the thought that this may last another two months fills me with dread; another month stuck within four walls and no physical interaction. I also would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of those isolating with their spouses. Sure, they probably annoy them sometimes and this is a huge test being constantly in each others pockets, but who doesn’t like a cuddle on the sofa and just the general company of someone always being there? Someone you can totally be yourself and slob around with (don’t pretend you are getting dolled up every day and don’t deny you are practically living in lounge suits and pyjamas these days!).

Many singletons may also be on dating websites, but I can’t help but feel that dating at this moment in time must also feel a little odd. First dates are now via video call and I do still think that’s great, but how can you gauge if you have chemistry with someone over a screen? There’s only a certain amount of times/hours you can talk to someone before meeting them properly – what if you run out of things to say by the time we are out of lock-down? I also can’t help assuming that there is a crowd of people who are now only using these sites due to pure boredom until this is all over, so having to sift through those individuals and find someone who genuinely wants to date is just tiresome.

However, I had a conversation with a close friend recently who has a completely contrasting view. They are active on ‘Hinge’ and they have actually found comfort in keeping connected with others by seeing it as a ‘non committal’ opportunity to speak to the opposite sex, whilst finding comfort in the fact there are others in the same position. So, I guess, this is very much each to their own and down to what makes you happy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try, but for me personally, it’s not something I will be participating in, which just highlights again that there isn’t anyone around.

If I was to think more positively about this, I could say that it’s great – you get your own space, no distractions, can watch whatever you want on television and can navigate your way through the day however you want to, but if I could have someone else there whilst doing so, I know that’s the option I would chose.

Now I’ve finished writing negatively (I promise, no more self pity), I have put together a little self-help guide of what to think about/things to do if you are in a similar position.

What to do?

1. Firstly and foremost, appreciate how lucky you are. Most of us are not essential/key workers. We have the ability to ‘WFH’, sip cocktails along the way, enjoy the sun (when we have it) and not run the risk of contracting this virus by constantly being around infected people. Also, we have so many forms of technology these days it’s so easy to keep in contact with friends and family. Imagine if we didn’t have these luxuries?

2. Following on from the above, use this time to reconnect with people. Maybe there is an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years? Family who live abroad whom you rarely catch up with? Or a even just a close friend you rarely get the time to have an in depth conversation with? This probably wont happen again in our lifetime, so make the most of it.

3. Use this as a time to self-heal and reflect. Ok, so you are on your own. There is nothing wrong with that. You could come out of this a stronger person, so see the positive side and be proud that you have endured this alone.

4. If you can, stay in a routine. For example, if you are remote working, wake up at your usual time, maybe do an online workout as if you were going to the gym, or just do your usual morning routine, whatever it is. If you have a video call with colleagues then dress yourself into some kind of decent clothing (even if its just the top half!), do your hair and if you can be bothered, apply a little make-up! You’re still working so embrace it like you usually would.

5. Go for a walk. I can’t tell you how therapeutic it is just to walk and listen to some chilled music. It enables you to just zone out and not think about anything else for a little while. I have recently discovered a love for American country music and bands like the Rolling Stones, which I NEVER thought I would enjoy as much.

6. Try a new hobbie, or revisit an old one. Painting, colouring, sewing, learning a new language, writing, baking – there are numerous things you can do.

7. Try not to overthink negative situations. This is something I can be guilty of every day, but if you had other distractions, would you really think this deeply into a situation? Will this matter in a year’s time? Probably not.

8. Have a pamper day, or just a day when you do your hair, make up and anything else like your normal average day. Have a video call with friends and have a drink with them.

9. Lastly, don’t be too hard on yourself if there are days you literally do nothing at all. I have seen so many posts on social media that insinuate you are lazy if you don’t come out of this with a new skill!?! This is a pandemic. Not a productivity contest.

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