Tag: self-love

What is lock-down/isolation teaching us about ourselves and others? Have you noticed anyone change? It’s a lot clearer to see behavioural patterns (including our own) when we are all in a similar situation. This post concentrates on narcissism, but also highlights the strong difference between being narcissistic and selfishly loving ourselves a little more (which we all need to do sometimes). There are some self-love tips at the end!

What’s the Difference?

Self-love
Happy & Fullfilled – Enjoys time alone/can be alone – Empathetic towards others – Can accept their faults

Narcissism
Nothing is ever good enough – Always have to be around others – Manipulative towards others – It is never their fault

This is my layman interpretation, which will hopefully help anyone who needs a little guidance on what to look out for – the ‘red flags’. Those individuals who genuinely mean it when they say they need time to themselves (most likely because they need to heal after something major) versus those who tell you they need to be alone, but still draw you into an emotional connection.

The main difference between the two is that acting on self-love is being selfish with ones self and ones own direct needs, but this does not mean you are totally ignorant to the needs of other people. If you practice self-love, you are still empathetic, aware of your actions and how these actions may effect anyone close to you. You recognise the fact you may need alone time and time to self reflect, but this does not mean you involve, or hurt others whilst doing so. Of course, no-one is perfect, but admitting mistakes and being self-aware is important.

On the flip side narcissists have a tendency to be extremely self absorbed, think very little about the feelings of others around them and find it hard to accept fault for their actions. More often than not, there is always an excuse for wrongdoing and they will also shift the blame if they can, or make you question whether you have a right to be upset with their actions. If one does finally apologise, it’s usually disingenuous. They are likely to repeat their actions as they do not believe what they have done is wrong.

How do they handle romantic relationships?

Individuals who are being ‘selfish’ in the self-love sense are usually alone, with no romantic connections, as they are taking time out to truly concentrate on themselves. When they are in this state of mind, it is very unlikely that they will lead anyone on under false pretences. If this person says they just want ‘fun’ and no commitment, they adhere to that without the empty promise of something more. They know the boundaries and there are no crossed wires, no talking about the future and no use of the ‘L’ word.

Narcissists, however, have a tendency to say they do not want a relationship, but still pursue someone in an attempt to fulfil their needs at that moment in time – remember, they cannot be alone. A classic narcissistic trait is the inability to commit, but still knowingly making you believe there is an emotional attachment. Once they eventually discard you, you may find yourself asking, “Did he/she really love me? What did I do wrong? Did I mean anything to him/her?”. They find it easy to pull away from people without remorse and this behavioural pattern will be repeated with others until they make the conscious decision to stop.

So, if you find yourself dealing with someone like the above, please remember that it isn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently.

Remember, it takes a stronger person to be alone and heal themselves without bringing anyone into their chaos.

Tips on self-love

Ways to practice self-love can involve a range of things, but these for me personally are the most important:

1. Take time out from everyone and everything. Switch your phone off, even if it’s just for an hour. Read a book, watch a film, meditate, exercise, binge Netflix, have a soak in the bath…anything that keeps your mind away from the rest of the world for a little while.

2. When you are having a bad day, or questioning yourself worth, stop and think about one thing you love about yourself, or something that makes you proud. If you are still struggling, why not message a friend and ask them – I can guarantee that if your friends are anything like mine they will lift your spirits within seconds and help you realise how valued you are.

3. Why not also think about the people you love and what you love about them? Reach out to them? Just because you may not love yourself today, doesn’t mean you can’t show love, or show you care to anyone else.

4. Stop comparing your timeline to where other people are in their lives. So what if your friends are married? So what if they have kids? So what if you live with your parents and don’t own a house? So what if you still haven’t found a solid career? Your choices have led to where you are today and you cannot go backwards, so look ahead and find comfort in the fact you will have everything you want one day.

5. Stop comparing yourself physically to others. We live in such a toxic, virtual society where people obtain status from the amount of followers/likes they have and lets be honest, 90% of pictures are airbrushed and edited. Honestly, I’d love a booty like J-Los and legs like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but unfortunately I was never blessed with those genes. Everyone is different and you are you, so embrace it and stop picking out physical faults.

6. Set boundaries – this is so important. If someone oversteps those boundaries then make it known. If they continue to do so then walk away. Know your worth.

7. Lastly, remember you were given this life because you are strong enough to handle it. You are not a failure in any way and don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. Never let anyone else’s actions make you cruel. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others.