mental health

August 8, 2021August 8, 2021

18 things I would say to my 18 year old self

1. You’ve probably just come back from Malia (and had the best time), but I promise your holidays will become a tad classier in future years and whenever you hear Kid Cudi’s, ‘Day & Night’, it will always make you reminisce! Also, I hope you made the most of it, because you can’t get a holiday in the U.K. for £400 these days.

2. Although you might detest the retail job you’re currently in, you’ll meet some of your best friends there, some of whom are still in your life today.

3. Never trust someone called Jack, or Sam, who offers you their milkshake at the end of a work shift – it’s a concoction of washing up liquid and anything else they could find in the kitchen! If only you knew before you took that large sip!

4. That same retail job will actually land you a job in a career you’ve been in ever since. So make sure you’re nice to every customer, as one of them will end up training you in your first insurance role! Thank you, for taking a chance on me, Julie!

5. That guy you meet at a bar (in Zens, for those of you who loved a night out in Dartford 😉 ) may be your first love but won’t be your forever love. So, when you do split up, don’t go into a world of despair, you’ve got years before you need to settle down.

6. Be careful what you write on Facebook – they’ll introduce a new feature whereby you can look back at your old statuses and you will cringe at the content and your vocabulary!

7. Delete your MySpace account – at the age of 31 you’ll realise it’s still online for all to see. Doh.

8. You’re NOT fat. Love the body you have now, because it’s going to be way harder to keep the weight off later on haha. There’s no way you can consume a large dominos every week now!

9. Don’t give up kickboxing! Your health is way more important than boozy nights out!

10. Carry on with acting – you love it and you’ll majorly regret that you didn’t pursue it.

Now, onto the deeper stuff…

11. Right now you don’t want children (and that’s not a bad thing), but stay open minded as that will change. You’ll want a family of your own one day!

12. Do not expect everyone to give back the same level of respect you give them. Unfortunately, you, like many others, will feel completely let down by people you think you can count on. Do not let that change you, or make you bitter.

13. You will end up losing a few good friends who you thought would be in your life forever. Most of this will be simply be because your lives have taken a different path and you’ve grown apart. There’s nothing wrong with this and sometimes friends are only there at particular points in our lives for a reason.

14. You’ll endure a lot of heartbreak and rejection in the next 10+ years and sometimes you’ll feel like giving up. Please don’t. I’m writing this now as I feel like doing the same but please don’t lose hope that someone will love you in a way you’ve always wanted.

15. Keep your guard up a little more and don’t let everyone in, not everyone has good intentions.

16. Embrace change and don’t worry about the future too much, or you’ll end up consumed by it.

17. Start having therapy as soon as you can. You may not think it now, but you’ll need it and It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ll be ok, I promise.

18. Be happy and live in the moment. You won’t know it yet, but you’ll look back and really miss these next few years.

May 27, 2020May 27, 2020

Why I Started Counselling and Why You Should Too

Counselling/therapy (whatever you want to call it) – why is there still such a huge stigma around it? When you’re ill, or your body is hurt and you need to recuperate, you rest and you feed your body back to healthy. So, why is it less important or ’embarrassing’ do to the same with your mind? The UK counselling directory states that 615 million, yes, million, people suffer with anxiety and depression – and that’s the ones they know about. It’s so important to self assess and realise that you are at such a low point that you need help.

For me, this started around 6 years ago. I won’t go into the details of my upbringing, but to cut the long story short I no longer speak to either of my parents. I usually put on a front and say it doesn’t bother me, but truth be told I just cried a little writing this. I still hold an untold amount of resentment towards them and its something I am slowly trying to change. I still carry some of their baggage and still blame them for the way I handle situations, my feelings of abandonment and those of you reading this have probably noticed that I crave love, even if it hurts me in the process. Because of them, I have become the opposite and instead of abandoning people, I try to see the good in people and become a ‘fixer’. Something I have been told by two counsellors. The fixing part, I can change and am actively trying to (boundaries, right?). Unfortunately though, I will always have that need and want for stability with someone I love.

So, after months of being up and down with my emotions, I decided to book my first appointment. I will never forget what I learnt about myself within an hour. My counsellor asked me to tell her about myself and in response I spent ten minutes rattling off all of my life achievements, the holidays I had been on, my job etc. After this, we carried on with why I felt the need for counselling and how I felt. It wasn’t until the very end of the session, she made the very valid point of asking me whether I noticed anything interesting about my response to her “Tell me about yourself”. I hadn’t told her anything about me. I had listed off all my accomplishments. This followed with, “Have you ever felt like your parents are proud of you?”….I think you can all guess the answer to that based on my first response. The sessions that followed obviously became more in-depth and I slowly started to feel better. I’m nowhere near completely OK yet (who is?), but I like to think I’ve taken a lot on board.

That was one session, with someone I had met for one hour. So, imagine what a weekly counselling session can do for you when you are feeling at your lowest? I sometimes see my counsellor just to vent, not for anything specific. After lock-down I will most likely be back there having a little cry or a moan about something!

Now, just to make it clear, it is not a quick fix – counsellors are not there to fix you. They are there to help you figure out why you react to situations in a certain way (your ‘inner child’ has a lot to do with this) and then work on ways to change these behavioural patterns. Also, don’t be put off by your first session – most of the time they are more of a ‘get to know’ type session and sometimes you just end up unleashing tons of bottled up emotions without making much sense!

Although extremely brief, I hope this encourages someone to seek the help they need. These are tough times for everyone.

Being vulnerable is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.

May 4, 2020May 4, 2020

Selfish Self-Love Vs Selfish Narcissism…

What is lock-down/isolation teaching us about ourselves and others? Have you noticed anyone change? It’s a lot clearer to see behavioural patterns (including our own) when we are all in a similar situation. This post concentrates on narcissism, but also highlights the strong difference between being narcissistic and selfishly loving ourselves a little more (which we all need to do sometimes). There are some self-love tips at the end!

What’s the Difference?

Self-love
Happy & Fullfilled – Enjoys time alone/can be alone – Empathetic towards others – Can accept their faults

Narcissism
Nothing is ever good enough – Always have to be around others – Manipulative towards others – It is never their fault

This is my layman interpretation, which will hopefully help anyone who needs a little guidance on what to look out for – the ‘red flags’. Those individuals who genuinely mean it when they say they need time to themselves (most likely because they need to heal after something major) versus those who tell you they need to be alone, but still draw you into an emotional connection.

The main difference between the two is that acting on self-love is being selfish with ones self and ones own direct needs, but this does not mean you are totally ignorant to the needs of other people. If you practice self-love, you are still empathetic, aware of your actions and how these actions may effect anyone close to you. You recognise the fact you may need alone time and time to self reflect, but this does not mean you involve, or hurt others whilst doing so. Of course, no-one is perfect, but admitting mistakes and being self-aware is important.

On the flip side narcissists have a tendency to be extremely self absorbed, think very little about the feelings of others around them and find it hard to accept fault for their actions. More often than not, there is always an excuse for wrongdoing and they will also shift the blame if they can, or make you question whether you have a right to be upset with their actions. If one does finally apologise, it’s usually disingenuous. They are likely to repeat their actions as they do not believe what they have done is wrong.

How do they handle romantic relationships?

Individuals who are being ‘selfish’ in the self-love sense are usually alone, with no romantic connections, as they are taking time out to truly concentrate on themselves. When they are in this state of mind, it is very unlikely that they will lead anyone on under false pretences. If this person says they just want ‘fun’ and no commitment, they adhere to that without the empty promise of something more. They know the boundaries and there are no crossed wires, no talking about the future and no use of the ‘L’ word.

Narcissists, however, have a tendency to say they do not want a relationship, but still pursue someone in an attempt to fulfil their needs at that moment in time – remember, they cannot be alone. A classic narcissistic trait is the inability to commit, but still knowingly making you believe there is an emotional attachment. Once they eventually discard you, you may find yourself asking, “Did he/she really love me? What did I do wrong? Did I mean anything to him/her?”. They find it easy to pull away from people without remorse and this behavioural pattern will be repeated with others until they make the conscious decision to stop.

So, if you find yourself dealing with someone like the above, please remember that it isn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently.

Remember, it takes a stronger person to be alone and heal themselves without bringing anyone into their chaos.

Tips on self-love

Ways to practice self-love can involve a range of things, but these for me personally are the most important:

1. Take time out from everyone and everything. Switch your phone off, even if it’s just for an hour. Read a book, watch a film, meditate, exercise, binge Netflix, have a soak in the bath…anything that keeps your mind away from the rest of the world for a little while.

2. When you are having a bad day, or questioning yourself worth, stop and think about one thing you love about yourself, or something that makes you proud. If you are still struggling, why not message a friend and ask them – I can guarantee that if your friends are anything like mine they will lift your spirits within seconds and help you realise how valued you are.

3. Why not also think about the people you love and what you love about them? Reach out to them? Just because you may not love yourself today, doesn’t mean you can’t show love, or show you care to anyone else.

4. Stop comparing your timeline to where other people are in their lives. So what if your friends are married? So what if they have kids? So what if you live with your parents and don’t own a house? So what if you still haven’t found a solid career? Your choices have led to where you are today and you cannot go backwards, so look ahead and find comfort in the fact you will have everything you want one day.

5. Stop comparing yourself physically to others. We live in such a toxic, virtual society where people obtain status from the amount of followers/likes they have and lets be honest, 90% of pictures are airbrushed and edited. Honestly, I’d love a booty like J-Los and legs like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but unfortunately I was never blessed with those genes. Everyone is different and you are you, so embrace it and stop picking out physical faults.

6. Set boundaries – this is so important. If someone oversteps those boundaries then make it known. If they continue to do so then walk away. Know your worth.

7. Lastly, remember you were given this life because you are strong enough to handle it. You are not a failure in any way and don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. Never let anyone else’s actions make you cruel. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others.