lockdown

May 27, 2020May 27, 2020

Why I Started Counselling and Why You Should Too

Counselling/therapy (whatever you want to call it) – why is there still such a huge stigma around it? When you’re ill, or your body is hurt and you need to recuperate, you rest and you feed your body back to healthy. So, why is it less important or ’embarrassing’ do to the same with your mind? The UK counselling directory states that 615 million, yes, million, people suffer with anxiety and depression – and that’s the ones they know about. It’s so important to self assess and realise that you are at such a low point that you need help.

For me, this started around 6 years ago. I won’t go into the details of my upbringing, but to cut the long story short I no longer speak to either of my parents. I usually put on a front and say it doesn’t bother me, but truth be told I just cried a little writing this. I still hold an untold amount of resentment towards them and its something I am slowly trying to change. I still carry some of their baggage and still blame them for the way I handle situations, my feelings of abandonment and those of you reading this have probably noticed that I crave love, even if it hurts me in the process. Because of them, I have become the opposite and instead of abandoning people, I try to see the good in people and become a ‘fixer’. Something I have been told by two counsellors. The fixing part, I can change and am actively trying to (boundaries, right?). Unfortunately though, I will always have that need and want for stability with someone I love.

So, after months of being up and down with my emotions, I decided to book my first appointment. I will never forget what I learnt about myself within an hour. My counsellor asked me to tell her about myself and in response I spent ten minutes rattling off all of my life achievements, the holidays I had been on, my job etc. After this, we carried on with why I felt the need for counselling and how I felt. It wasn’t until the very end of the session, she made the very valid point of asking me whether I noticed anything interesting about my response to her “Tell me about yourself”. I hadn’t told her anything about me. I had listed off all my accomplishments. This followed with, “Have you ever felt like your parents are proud of you?”….I think you can all guess the answer to that based on my first response. The sessions that followed obviously became more in-depth and I slowly started to feel better. I’m nowhere near completely OK yet (who is?), but I like to think I’ve taken a lot on board.

That was one session, with someone I had met for one hour. So, imagine what a weekly counselling session can do for you when you are feeling at your lowest? I sometimes see my counsellor just to vent, not for anything specific. After lock-down I will most likely be back there having a little cry or a moan about something!

Now, just to make it clear, it is not a quick fix – counsellors are not there to fix you. They are there to help you figure out why you react to situations in a certain way (your ‘inner child’ has a lot to do with this) and then work on ways to change these behavioural patterns. Also, don’t be put off by your first session – most of the time they are more of a ‘get to know’ type session and sometimes you just end up unleashing tons of bottled up emotions without making much sense!

Although extremely brief, I hope this encourages someone to seek the help they need. These are tough times for everyone.

Being vulnerable is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.

April 14, 2020April 18, 2020

We Are All In This Together…

During isolation I have noticed many of my friends are yoyo’ing with their emotions daily. One day they are super positive and the next they are upset, wondering when this will end. How many of you are having bad days where you wake up anxious and don’t see a light at the end of this unpredictable tunnel?

Of course, you are probably finding lock-down/isolation super tedious, but many people are going through waves of sadness for specific reasons. All of the predicaments below are genuine examples that belong to close friends of mine. No matter what you have going on, the chances are someone close by also has something troubling them.

A Postponed Wedding
Imagine the excitement of putting down the deposit for a wedding? The year or so it takes to plan and all the little details that most women have envisaged since the day they knew what marriage was. You reach the last 2 months beforehand and suddenly everything is off. There is nothing you can do apart from hope you are able to re-book and hope that all your most wanted guests can still attend. I read a very sweet Facebook post from a wedding photographer a few weeks ago and she suggested that any couple going through this should have their first dance on the day it was supposed to be. I think this is a beautiful idea, so if you are going through this, have your first dance…living room..kitchen..in pyjamas …however you want to do it. Then look forward to the real thing.

A Break-up
A close friend of mine recently split up with her partner of two years. Two years might not seem like a very long time to some people, but regardless of a length of time, the emotions are still there. In a COVID-19-less world, apart from the first week or so where people usually coop themselves up and grieve, there are usually plans to look forward to – holidays and nights in/out with the girls/guys. As we all know, these nights never usually stop the grieving and most of us end up crying into copious glasses of vino (or beer), but they’re certainly a distraction from it. Right now, lack of distraction after emotional turmoil is just proving how difficult it can be to simply force yourself to grieve with nothing else to concentrate on. These are the times when someone will sit there and question their worth, why it happened and what they could have done differently, with very little to stop them doing so. If you are going through a similar situation, try to use this extra time to grieve properly – you will come out of lock-down a stronger person.

Losing Jobs
When lock-down first started it became apparent that many unlucky people were starting to lose their jobs. In most cases I know of, it’s only one person in the household, so a family can still rely on half of the usual income. However, in this case both parents lost their jobs simultaneously. With two children to look after as well as themselves, they ended up facing a couple of weeks of severe anxiety and uncertainty before (luckily) one of them found a job, which now pays half their normal salary a month. If you are lucky enough to have a stable income from one person you live with, then don’t take it for granted. Sure, it might be tough for the first month, as we have a tendency to live beyond our means, but perhaps realise that when both your wages come in again, how much you could possibly save instead?

Unable To Visit Fathers Grave On His Birthday
A simple Instagram reaction to a picture of my school friend and her dad lead to her say, “Been a bit tougher this weekend, not being able to keep busy and distract myself or go to the crematorium. Sure it’s the same for many others too xxx.” Her dad sadly passed away almost 5 years ago from Huntington’s disease. Firstly, how amazing is it that someone feeling like this still thinks about others? This is the kind of empathy I want to encourage when I write these blogs. Secondly, just imagine how this must feel? Similarly, those who are losing relatives as we speak and are unable to attend hospitals, or funerals, to obtain some form of closure. All I can hope is that this saga ends as soon as possible so people can grieve properly.

A First Baby Scan, Alone
I don’t have children, but the majority of my friends do, so I have heard many a time their excitement when they go for their first few scans. For this couple it’s their first child, so to hear that she had to do this without her husband is extremely sad.

An ‘Important’ Birthday
This year, myself and most of my friends have turned/are turning 30. We all know that 30 is one of the ‘big ones’ and usually one of those where you have mass gatherings with family and friends, or even book a holiday! “It was [rubbish], but i had 18 people lined up for a trip to Dublin for my 30th, so i didn’t feel isolated or unappreciated, just unlucky.” Of course, its not just 30th’s, it’s any age ending in ‘0’, or a special anniversary. This might sound like a first world problem in comparison to others, but when you have something planned in the diary for months, which allows you to see all your nearest and dearest, it’s gutting to have to cancel.

There is so much happening in the larger world, but we all have things going on in our own little worlds. Right now, emotions are heightened and every thought/feeling is exaggerated.

PLEASE check in on on everyone you care about, even if you think they are OK. A simple ‘How are you?’ takes one minute to type and send. Empathy costs nothing and you might be surprised by the answer they give you.

April 11, 2020April 12, 2020

How To Handle Isolated Isolation…

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” — Mandy Hale

2020 – what a year it’s been so far. There is no point in listing all the things that have happened, because right now the main subject on everyone’s agenda is, of course, the dreaded COVID-19. The knife in everyone’s back and the reason half the nation is going stir crazy.

So, let’s start with the obvious. Isolation is not fun. Most of you (if you are following the rules) will not have seen family or friends for almost a month now and are isolating with the members of your household only. However, what about those who have no-one to isolate with? Those that are perhaps single, divorced, widowed, children have left home, spouses are key workers and aren’t around at normal times of the day etc. Personally, I fall into the single category and I can assure you that isolating alone is anything but exciting.

My job is very social and I interact with different people daily, so this is a huge shock to the system. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t found these last few weeks a struggle and the thought that this may last another two months fills me with dread; another month stuck within four walls and no physical interaction. I also would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of those isolating with their spouses. Sure, they probably annoy them sometimes and this is a huge test being constantly in each others pockets, but who doesn’t like a cuddle on the sofa and just the general company of someone always being there? Someone you can totally be yourself and slob around with (don’t pretend you are getting dolled up every day and don’t deny you are practically living in lounge suits and pyjamas these days!).

Many singletons may also be on dating websites, but I can’t help but feel that dating at this moment in time must also feel a little odd. First dates are now via video call and I do still think that’s great, but how can you gauge if you have chemistry with someone over a screen? There’s only a certain amount of times/hours you can talk to someone before meeting them properly – what if you run out of things to say by the time we are out of lock-down? I also can’t help assuming that there is a crowd of people who are now only using these sites due to pure boredom until this is all over, so having to sift through those individuals and find someone who genuinely wants to date is just tiresome.

However, I had a conversation with a close friend recently who has a completely contrasting view. They are active on ‘Hinge’ and they have actually found comfort in keeping connected with others by seeing it as a ‘non committal’ opportunity to speak to the opposite sex, whilst finding comfort in the fact there are others in the same position. So, I guess, this is very much each to their own and down to what makes you happy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try, but for me personally, it’s not something I will be participating in, which just highlights again that there isn’t anyone around.

If I was to think more positively about this, I could say that it’s great – you get your own space, no distractions, can watch whatever you want on television and can navigate your way through the day however you want to, but if I could have someone else there whilst doing so, I know that’s the option I would chose.

Now I’ve finished writing negatively (I promise, no more self pity), I have put together a little self-help guide of what to think about/things to do if you are in a similar position.

What to do?

1. Firstly and foremost, appreciate how lucky you are. Most of us are not essential/key workers. We have the ability to ‘WFH’, sip cocktails along the way, enjoy the sun (when we have it) and not run the risk of contracting this virus by constantly being around infected people. Also, we have so many forms of technology these days it’s so easy to keep in contact with friends and family. Imagine if we didn’t have these luxuries?

2. Following on from the above, use this time to reconnect with people. Maybe there is an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years? Family who live abroad whom you rarely catch up with? Or a even just a close friend you rarely get the time to have an in depth conversation with? This probably wont happen again in our lifetime, so make the most of it.

3. Use this as a time to self-heal and reflect. Ok, so you are on your own. There is nothing wrong with that. You could come out of this a stronger person, so see the positive side and be proud that you have endured this alone.

4. If you can, stay in a routine. For example, if you are remote working, wake up at your usual time, maybe do an online workout as if you were going to the gym, or just do your usual morning routine, whatever it is. If you have a video call with colleagues then dress yourself into some kind of decent clothing (even if its just the top half!), do your hair and if you can be bothered, apply a little make-up! You’re still working so embrace it like you usually would.

5. Go for a walk. I can’t tell you how therapeutic it is just to walk and listen to some chilled music. It enables you to just zone out and not think about anything else for a little while. I have recently discovered a love for American country music and bands like the Rolling Stones, which I NEVER thought I would enjoy as much.

6. Try a new hobbie, or revisit an old one. Painting, colouring, sewing, learning a new language, writing, baking – there are numerous things you can do.

7. Try not to overthink negative situations. This is something I can be guilty of every day, but if you had other distractions, would you really think this deeply into a situation? Will this matter in a year’s time? Probably not.

8. Have a pamper day, or just a day when you do your hair, make up and anything else like your normal average day. Have a video call with friends and have a drink with them.

9. Lastly, don’t be too hard on yourself if there are days you literally do nothing at all. I have seen so many posts on social media that insinuate you are lazy if you don’t come out of this with a new skill!?! This is a pandemic. Not a productivity contest.