For me, the last few years have been an experience to say the least, especially with navigating single life through Covid lockdowns! It has however allowed me take an exterior view on the relationships of those around me.
‘Are you happy?’. I’ve found myself asking this question a lot lately with people I care about. More often than not I believe we ask this question because instinctively, we already know the answer.
I’d wish nothing more than to be in a loving relationship. Candidly, it can be hard not to be a little jealous about others’ lives and sometimes feel bitter sweet when I hear another friend is engaged or pregnant! When you dig deeper though, no relationship is ever perfect and more about (and this is a classic) – are you perfect for each other?
So, why do people settle (in my opinion)?
Fear of hurting someone – I’d like to believe that no one wants to intentionally break someone’s heart, but I’m also against wasting someone’s time and your own. If you stay with someone out of sympathy, you aren’t doing either of you favours in the long run.
Comfortability – we get so used to being with someone that it would be hard to imagine life without them. We get to know their little quirks, things that make them tick etc. They become your best friend, which is great, but people can change after a few years. Sometimes people fall out of love for no particular reason, just simply the fact that if you don’t grow in line with someone, you grow apart from them instead.
Circumstances – kids, a mortgage, marriage and everything else that comes with with it. Leaving it all behind is easier said than done, but part of me feels it’s a huge shame that people feel they’d rather stay miserable together for the sake of their children, who more often than not already know when parents are unhappy. A stressful home rubs off on kids; better for them to have happy memories in two separate homes than feel sadness in one.
Denial – some people will tell you till they are blue in the face that they are happy, purely because they are trying to convince themselves this is the case.
Low self worth – others believe they don’t deserve or can do any better, nor do they think they could be happier with someone else because they don’t know any different.
The fear of loneliness – this one’s hard and I can whole heartedly say I can empathise with it. However, I would rather be unhappy on my own than unhappy with someone else.
The safe bet – No joke, I’ve heard someone say they are with someone because they are ‘safe’ and in other words they’re just settling, because they’re insecure. Safe is fine, but using it as a form of control over the relationship to have the upper hand isn’t. That’s manipulation.
Comparisons – I’ve heard people say ‘well we aren’t as unhappy as [insert name] & [insert name]’ – It is not a competition! Your relationship isn’t comparable with anyone else’s. What makes one couple happy could make another completely miserable!
Guilt – Perhaps someone’s going through something mentally so you delay splitting with them for fear of making it worse. Or, the guilt of leaving a marital home and kids.
Upbringing & fear of failure – Maybe you see your parents who have been together for say, 25 years, and think if you were to be anything different you would be judged. Alternatively, you grew up in a home where one parent left, so you worry that your kids will feel the way you did and you don’t want to be a ‘part time parent’. Remember, this is YOUR life and breakups do not equate to failure.
Money – With a joint income, or one person earning considerably more comes a lifestyle people find hard to give up. Divorce always causes money issues too.
And finally…
Others opinions – so many people are scared of being judged or spoken about. Comments like ‘Why are you still single?’, ‘You should have kids, or be married by now!’. This could pressure someone to feel they need to rush into something that may not be right for them. Or, others gossiping after a break up/divorce!
Anyway, to close this off on a more positive note (because lets be honest, i’m a romantic at heart), I saw a post on Instagram a while ago by a guy called Matthew Hussey, acclaimed to be the real life HITCH, who became engaged. In his words, ‘I knew when I chose my life partner, I wanted it to come from the deepest place of knowing what it was I wanted’.
What you want exists… don’t settle until you get it, and don’t stay stagnant if you are unhappy.
bellesthoughts.com 