Tag: covid-19

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Selfish Self-Love Vs Selfish Narcissism…

What is lock-down/isolation teaching us about ourselves and others? Have you noticed anyone change? It’s a lot clearer to see behavioural patterns (including our own) when we are all in a similar situation. This post concentrates on narcissism, but also highlights the strong difference between being narcissistic and selfishly loving ourselves a little more (which we all need to do sometimes). There are some self-love tips at the end!

What’s the Difference?

Self-love
Happy & Fullfilled – Enjoys time alone/can be alone – Empathetic towards others – Can accept their faults

Narcissism
Nothing is ever good enough – Always have to be around others – Manipulative towards others – It is never their fault

This is my layman interpretation, which will hopefully help anyone who needs a little guidance on what to look out for – the ‘red flags’. Those individuals who genuinely mean it when they say they need time to themselves (most likely because they need to heal after something major) versus those who tell you they need to be alone, but still draw you into an emotional connection.

The main difference between the two is that acting on self-love is being selfish with ones self and ones own direct needs, but this does not mean you are totally ignorant to the needs of other people. If you practice self-love, you are still empathetic, aware of your actions and how these actions may effect anyone close to you. You recognise the fact you may need alone time and time to self reflect, but this does not mean you involve, or hurt others whilst doing so. Of course, no-one is perfect, but admitting mistakes and being self-aware is important.

On the flip side narcissists have a tendency to be extremely self absorbed, think very little about the feelings of others around them and find it hard to accept fault for their actions. More often than not, there is always an excuse for wrongdoing and they will also shift the blame if they can, or make you question whether you have a right to be upset with their actions. If one does finally apologise, it’s usually disingenuous. They are likely to repeat their actions as they do not believe what they have done is wrong.

How do they handle romantic relationships?

Individuals who are being ‘selfish’ in the self-love sense are usually alone, with no romantic connections, as they are taking time out to truly concentrate on themselves. When they are in this state of mind, it is very unlikely that they will lead anyone on under false pretences. If this person says they just want ‘fun’ and no commitment, they adhere to that without the empty promise of something more. They know the boundaries and there are no crossed wires, no talking about the future and no use of the ‘L’ word.

Narcissists, however, have a tendency to say they do not want a relationship, but still pursue someone in an attempt to fulfil their needs at that moment in time – remember, they cannot be alone. A classic narcissistic trait is the inability to commit, but still knowingly making you believe there is an emotional attachment. Once they eventually discard you, you may find yourself asking, “Did he/she really love me? What did I do wrong? Did I mean anything to him/her?”. They find it easy to pull away from people without remorse and this behavioural pattern will be repeated with others until they make the conscious decision to stop.

So, if you find yourself dealing with someone like the above, please remember that it isn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently.

Remember, it takes a stronger person to be alone and heal themselves without bringing anyone into their chaos.

Tips on self-love

Ways to practice self-love can involve a range of things, but these for me personally are the most important:

1. Take time out from everyone and everything. Switch your phone off, even if it’s just for an hour. Read a book, watch a film, meditate, exercise, binge Netflix, have a soak in the bath…anything that keeps your mind away from the rest of the world for a little while.

2. When you are having a bad day, or questioning yourself worth, stop and think about one thing you love about yourself, or something that makes you proud. If you are still struggling, why not message a friend and ask them – I can guarantee that if your friends are anything like mine they will lift your spirits within seconds and help you realise how valued you are.

3. Why not also think about the people you love and what you love about them? Reach out to them? Just because you may not love yourself today, doesn’t mean you can’t show love, or show you care to anyone else.

4. Stop comparing your timeline to where other people are in their lives. So what if your friends are married? So what if they have kids? So what if you live with your parents and don’t own a house? So what if you still haven’t found a solid career? Your choices have led to where you are today and you cannot go backwards, so look ahead and find comfort in the fact you will have everything you want one day.

5. Stop comparing yourself physically to others. We live in such a toxic, virtual society where people obtain status from the amount of followers/likes they have and lets be honest, 90% of pictures are airbrushed and edited. Honestly, I’d love a booty like J-Los and legs like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but unfortunately I was never blessed with those genes. Everyone is different and you are you, so embrace it and stop picking out physical faults.

6. Set boundaries – this is so important. If someone oversteps those boundaries then make it known. If they continue to do so then walk away. Know your worth.

7. Lastly, remember you were given this life because you are strong enough to handle it. You are not a failure in any way and don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. Never let anyone else’s actions make you cruel. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

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Your Dreams…What Do They Mean?

What is a dream?

“A dream is a succession of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that usually occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep “(Wikipedia).

Why do we dream?

“The most honest answer is that we do not yet know the function or functions of dreaming. This ignorance should not be surprising because despite many theories we still do not fully understand the purpose of sleep, nor do we know the functions of REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is when most dreaming occurs. And these two biological states are much easier to study scientifically than the somewhat elusive phenomenon of dreaming” (Ernest Hartmann, a professor of psychiatry at Tufts University School of Medicine and the director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital in Boston).

Why are our dreams more vivid during the COVID-19 pandemic?

A couple of days ago I had a dream which was so vivid I woke up upset and confused about how I felt. It wasn’t the first time I had experienced this in the last month since lock-down. After some research, I realised I am not alone. A small Instagram poll whereby I asked if anyone was experiencing the same concluded that more than 85% of people were in the same boat. Vivid dreams can be experienced when someone has sleeping issues that cause a lack of sleep, such as insomnia, changes to your sleep schedule, or getting less sleep than usual. So, it’s no surprise that people are suffering considering their ‘normal’ day-to-day lives have completely changed.

So…what do our dreams mean?

Dreams about an ex
Don’t panic! This does not necessarily mean you are still pining after your ex partner (unless you do genuinely want to rekindle with them!). It could be that your current partner or someone particular in your life brings out similar feelings to those you had with your ex – whatever that feeling may be. It’s not necessarily a bad feeling and it’s not always a bad dream. If you are single, it can also mean you miss feeling wanted and the feeling of being in a relationship.

Dreams where your partner is cheating on you
Firstly, these dreams can naturally occur to anyone who has actually been cheated on. Remember, dreams are also made up of our memories. Now you are with someone new, it’s not surprising that this could mean you are insecure and worried deep down that your current partner will do the same. On a more pessimistic note, it can also mean you are suspecting something is wrong in the relationship, or that they have already betrayed your trust in some way.

Dreams where you are the cheater
This type of dream can suggest that you have already done something that compromises the integrity of the relationship, or that you feel guilty for something, which would entail betrayal in some way.

Dreams involving water
Any dreams involving water are reflective of your deepest subconscious thoughts. If you are drowning in your dream, it can mean that your emotions are all over the place. Has something drastic happened in your life recently? It usually symbolises overwhelming change. However, if you are dreaming of walking on water it can mean that you just need to understand your inner emotions a little better, alongside the fear of perhaps ‘going under’ with your emotions too.

Dreams where you are falling
This seems to be quite a common theme for our dreams, regardless of whether we are in the middle of a pandemic! These types of dreams usually suggest that you are feeling out of control in some way – something we are all feeling right now. They can also mean you are currently having thoughts that you think you are failure, or even inferior to someone else.

Dreams where you are being chased
These dreams can depict you are running away from something, or avoiding someone in the real world. It is a way of your subconscious telling you that you should confront this issue/person.

Dreams about animals
Different animals symbolise different things. I have chosen the animals which I hear about the most:
Apes/Gorillas – Can symbolise victory in your personal life – something you have really fought for. On the other hand it can also mean trouble with false friends/business partners.
Bears – Bears can symbolise growth, strength, power and independence.However, if a bear is attacking you in your dream this can denote uncontrolled aggression/anger and this could be yours or someone else’s emotions.
Bees – Bees in dreams are a good thing as they can symbolise hard work, good luck and happiness. However, if you should dream that you are being stung by a bee/bees, this suggests you feel you have been wronged by someone.
Snakes – Dreams about snakes can be both positive and negative. On the one hand it can symbolise healing, rebirth and regeneration. On the other it can indicate something in your life is toxic and you are fearful/running away from it.
Sharks – A shark in your dream can represent someone in your life who is draining you emotionally and in a negative way. It can depict someone who’s actions are harmful, yet they do not care about the consequences.

All of the above is based on online research and merely my way of compiling different types of common dreams and their meanings in once place.
If you are suffering with insomnia, here are some basic tips for a better nights sleep:

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We Are All In This Together…

During isolation I have noticed many of my friends are yoyo’ing with their emotions daily. One day they are super positive and the next they are upset, wondering when this will end. How many of you are having bad days where you wake up anxious and don’t see a light at the end of this unpredictable tunnel?

Of course, you are probably finding lock-down/isolation super tedious, but many people are going through waves of sadness for specific reasons. All of the predicaments below are genuine examples that belong to close friends of mine. No matter what you have going on, the chances are someone close by also has something troubling them.

A Postponed Wedding
Imagine the excitement of putting down the deposit for a wedding? The year or so it takes to plan and all the little details that most women have envisaged since the day they knew what marriage was. You reach the last 2 months beforehand and suddenly everything is off. There is nothing you can do apart from hope you are able to re-book and hope that all your most wanted guests can still attend. I read a very sweet Facebook post from a wedding photographer a few weeks ago and she suggested that any couple going through this should have their first dance on the day it was supposed to be. I think this is a beautiful idea, so if you are going through this, have your first dance…living room..kitchen..in pyjamas …however you want to do it. Then look forward to the real thing.

A Break-up
A close friend of mine recently split up with her partner of two years. Two years might not seem like a very long time to some people, but regardless of a length of time, the emotions are still there. In a COVID-19-less world, apart from the first week or so where people usually coop themselves up and grieve, there are usually plans to look forward to – holidays and nights in/out with the girls/guys. As we all know, these nights never usually stop the grieving and most of us end up crying into copious glasses of vino (or beer), but they’re certainly a distraction from it. Right now, lack of distraction after emotional turmoil is just proving how difficult it can be to simply force yourself to grieve with nothing else to concentrate on. These are the times when someone will sit there and question their worth, why it happened and what they could have done differently, with very little to stop them doing so. If you are going through a similar situation, try to use this extra time to grieve properly – you will come out of lock-down a stronger person.

Losing Jobs
When lock-down first started it became apparent that many unlucky people were starting to lose their jobs. In most cases I know of, it’s only one person in the household, so a family can still rely on half of the usual income. However, in this case both parents lost their jobs simultaneously. With two children to look after as well as themselves, they ended up facing a couple of weeks of severe anxiety and uncertainty before (luckily) one of them found a job, which now pays half their normal salary a month. If you are lucky enough to have a stable income from one person you live with, then don’t take it for granted. Sure, it might be tough for the first month, as we have a tendency to live beyond our means, but perhaps realise that when both your wages come in again, how much you could possibly save instead?

Unable To Visit Fathers Grave On His Birthday
A simple Instagram reaction to a picture of my school friend and her dad lead to her say, “Been a bit tougher this weekend, not being able to keep busy and distract myself or go to the crematorium. Sure it’s the same for many others too xxx.” Her dad sadly passed away almost 5 years ago from Huntington’s disease. Firstly, how amazing is it that someone feeling like this still thinks about others? This is the kind of empathy I want to encourage when I write these blogs. Secondly, just imagine how this must feel? Similarly, those who are losing relatives as we speak and are unable to attend hospitals, or funerals, to obtain some form of closure. All I can hope is that this saga ends as soon as possible so people can grieve properly.

A First Baby Scan, Alone
I don’t have children, but the majority of my friends do, so I have heard many a time their excitement when they go for their first few scans. For this couple it’s their first child, so to hear that she had to do this without her husband is extremely sad.

An ‘Important’ Birthday
This year, myself and most of my friends have turned/are turning 30. We all know that 30 is one of the ‘big ones’ and usually one of those where you have mass gatherings with family and friends, or even book a holiday! “It was [rubbish], but i had 18 people lined up for a trip to Dublin for my 30th, so i didn’t feel isolated or unappreciated, just unlucky.” Of course, its not just 30th’s, it’s any age ending in ‘0’, or a special anniversary. This might sound like a first world problem in comparison to others, but when you have something planned in the diary for months, which allows you to see all your nearest and dearest, it’s gutting to have to cancel.

There is so much happening in the larger world, but we all have things going on in our own little worlds. Right now, emotions are heightened and every thought/feeling is exaggerated.

PLEASE check in on on everyone you care about, even if you think they are OK. A simple ‘How are you?’ takes one minute to type and send. Empathy costs nothing and you might be surprised by the answer they give you.

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How To Handle Isolated Isolation…

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” — Mandy Hale

2020 – what a year it’s been so far. There is no point in listing all the things that have happened, because right now the main subject on everyone’s agenda is, of course, the dreaded COVID-19. The knife in everyone’s back and the reason half the nation is going stir crazy.

So, let’s start with the obvious. Isolation is not fun. Most of you (if you are following the rules) will not have seen family or friends for almost a month now and are isolating with the members of your household only. However, what about those who have no-one to isolate with? Those that are perhaps single, divorced, widowed, children have left home, spouses are key workers and aren’t around at normal times of the day etc. Personally, I fall into the single category and I can assure you that isolating alone is anything but exciting.

My job is very social and I interact with different people daily, so this is a huge shock to the system. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t found these last few weeks a struggle and the thought that this may last another two months fills me with dread; another month stuck within four walls and no physical interaction. I also would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of those isolating with their spouses. Sure, they probably annoy them sometimes and this is a huge test being constantly in each others pockets, but who doesn’t like a cuddle on the sofa and just the general company of someone always being there? Someone you can totally be yourself and slob around with (don’t pretend you are getting dolled up every day and don’t deny you are practically living in lounge suits and pyjamas these days!).

Many singletons may also be on dating websites, but I can’t help but feel that dating at this moment in time must also feel a little odd. First dates are now via video call and I do still think that’s great, but how can you gauge if you have chemistry with someone over a screen? There’s only a certain amount of times/hours you can talk to someone before meeting them properly – what if you run out of things to say by the time we are out of lock-down? I also can’t help assuming that there is a crowd of people who are now only using these sites due to pure boredom until this is all over, so having to sift through those individuals and find someone who genuinely wants to date is just tiresome.

However, I had a conversation with a close friend recently who has a completely contrasting view. They are active on ‘Hinge’ and they have actually found comfort in keeping connected with others by seeing it as a ‘non committal’ opportunity to speak to the opposite sex, whilst finding comfort in the fact there are others in the same position. So, I guess, this is very much each to their own and down to what makes you happy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try, but for me personally, it’s not something I will be participating in, which just highlights again that there isn’t anyone around.

If I was to think more positively about this, I could say that it’s great – you get your own space, no distractions, can watch whatever you want on television and can navigate your way through the day however you want to, but if I could have someone else there whilst doing so, I know that’s the option I would chose.

Now I’ve finished writing negatively (I promise, no more self pity), I have put together a little self-help guide of what to think about/things to do if you are in a similar position.

What to do?

1. Firstly and foremost, appreciate how lucky you are. Most of us are not essential/key workers. We have the ability to ‘WFH’, sip cocktails along the way, enjoy the sun (when we have it) and not run the risk of contracting this virus by constantly being around infected people. Also, we have so many forms of technology these days it’s so easy to keep in contact with friends and family. Imagine if we didn’t have these luxuries?

2. Following on from the above, use this time to reconnect with people. Maybe there is an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years? Family who live abroad whom you rarely catch up with? Or a even just a close friend you rarely get the time to have an in depth conversation with? This probably wont happen again in our lifetime, so make the most of it.

3. Use this as a time to self-heal and reflect. Ok, so you are on your own. There is nothing wrong with that. You could come out of this a stronger person, so see the positive side and be proud that you have endured this alone.

4. If you can, stay in a routine. For example, if you are remote working, wake up at your usual time, maybe do an online workout as if you were going to the gym, or just do your usual morning routine, whatever it is. If you have a video call with colleagues then dress yourself into some kind of decent clothing (even if its just the top half!), do your hair and if you can be bothered, apply a little make-up! You’re still working so embrace it like you usually would.

5. Go for a walk. I can’t tell you how therapeutic it is just to walk and listen to some chilled music. It enables you to just zone out and not think about anything else for a little while. I have recently discovered a love for American country music and bands like the Rolling Stones, which I NEVER thought I would enjoy as much.

6. Try a new hobbie, or revisit an old one. Painting, colouring, sewing, learning a new language, writing, baking – there are numerous things you can do.

7. Try not to overthink negative situations. This is something I can be guilty of every day, but if you had other distractions, would you really think this deeply into a situation? Will this matter in a year’s time? Probably not.

8. Have a pamper day, or just a day when you do your hair, make up and anything else like your normal average day. Have a video call with friends and have a drink with them.

9. Lastly, don’t be too hard on yourself if there are days you literally do nothing at all. I have seen so many posts on social media that insinuate you are lazy if you don’t come out of this with a new skill!?! This is a pandemic. Not a productivity contest.

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