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Why do people settle?

For me, the last few years have been an experience to say the least, especially with navigating single life through Covid lockdowns! It has however allowed me take an exterior view on the relationships of those around me.

‘Are you happy?’. I’ve found myself asking this question a lot lately with people I care about. More often than not I believe we ask this question because instinctively, we already know the answer.

I’d wish nothing more than to be in a loving relationship. Candidly, it can be hard not to be a little jealous about others’ lives and sometimes feel bitter sweet when I hear another friend is engaged or pregnant! When you dig deeper though, no relationship is ever perfect and more about (and this is a classic) – are you perfect for each other?

So, why do people settle (in my opinion)?

Fear of hurting someone – I’d like to believe that no one wants to intentionally break someone’s heart, but I’m also against wasting someone’s time and your own. If you stay with someone out of sympathy, you aren’t doing either of you favours in the long run.

Comfortability – we get so used to being with someone that it would be hard to imagine life without them. We get to know their little quirks, things that make them tick etc. They become your best friend, which is great, but people can change after a few years. Sometimes people fall out of love for no particular reason, just simply the fact that if you don’t grow in line with someone, you grow apart from them instead.

Circumstances – kids, a mortgage, marriage and everything else that comes with with it. Leaving it all behind is easier said than done, but part of me feels it’s a huge shame that people feel they’d rather stay miserable together for the sake of their children, who more often than not already know when parents are unhappy. A stressful home rubs off on kids; better for them to have happy memories in two separate homes than feel sadness in one.

Denial – some people will tell you till they are blue in the face that they are happy, purely because they are trying to convince themselves this is the case.

Low self worth – others believe they don’t deserve or can do any better, nor do they think they could be happier with someone else because they don’t know any different.

The fear of loneliness – this one’s hard and I can whole heartedly say I can empathise with it. However, I would rather be unhappy on my own than unhappy with someone else.

The safe bet – No joke, I’ve heard someone say they are with someone because they are ‘safe’ and in other words they’re just settling, because they’re insecure. Safe is fine, but using it as a form of control over the relationship to have the upper hand isn’t. That’s manipulation.

Comparisons – I’ve heard people say ‘well we aren’t as unhappy as [insert name] & [insert name]’ – It is not a competition! Your relationship isn’t comparable with anyone else’s. What makes one couple happy could make another completely miserable!

Guilt – Perhaps someone’s going through something mentally so you delay splitting with them for fear of making it worse. Or, the guilt of leaving a marital home and kids.

Upbringing & fear of failure – Maybe you see your parents who have been together for say, 25 years, and think if you were to be anything different you would be judged. Alternatively, you grew up in a home where one parent left, so you worry that your kids will feel the way you did and you don’t want to be a ‘part time parent’. Remember, this is YOUR life and breakups do not equate to failure.

Money – With a joint income, or one person earning considerably more comes a lifestyle people find hard to give up. Divorce always causes money issues too.

And finally…

Others opinions – so many people are scared of being judged or spoken about. Comments like ‘Why are you still single?’, ‘You should have kids, or be married by now!’. This could pressure someone to feel they need to rush into something that may not be right for them. Or, others gossiping after a break up/divorce!

Anyway, to close this off on a more positive note (because lets be honest, i’m a romantic at heart), I saw a post on Instagram a while ago by a guy called Matthew Hussey, acclaimed to be the real life HITCH, who became engaged. In his words, ‘I knew when I chose my life partner, I wanted it to come from the deepest place of knowing what it was I wanted’.

What you want exists… don’t settle until you get it, and don’t stay stagnant if you are unhappy.

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The dire (although amusing) dating app diaries

I’ve tried them numerous times and put bluntly, they’re not for me and nor can I see myself on one ever again. Although they can be fun for some, dating apps can be debilitating and sometimes even a thick skin can prove difficult to uphold.

I’ve had it all!

THE CATFISH

Yes, that’s right. Men can be cat fishes too! I never thought I’d see the day when men started filtering and airbrushing their photos. Granted, women are the experts at this, but come on! It begs the question though, why would you filter a photo so much that it ultimately looks nothing like you? It’s embarrassing for both parties involved. I’d be mortified if I met with someone and they didn’t recognise me!

THE AWFUL CHAT UP LINES

Here are a few I’ve been sent, for your amusement – they get better as you go along..

‘Solid match, got my attention. What’s we saying?!!’

‘Hey Belle! you have the same name as my mates last name.. we call him Bellend!’. Bit late on that one, been called bellend or bellenda numerous times before.

‘Lonely Friday in lockdown? I’m a sharing pics kind of guy if you are? Always best to be honest.. ‘

‘Don’t really like Easter eggs but I’d enjoy unwrapping and nibbling on you.’ Received this one over Easter weekend – 10/10 for effort!!

‘As your name means beauty, can I be your beast?’ Had this one a few times and a few different versions referencing a beast in some way!

‘Are you into cuckolding?’ I had to Google this one, you may have to as well

And last but not least ..

‘Let’s play a game .. 2 truths and a lie; I’ve played for Chelsea. I’ve travelled around Asia. I have a 9 inch cock’ I obviously said the 3rd statement was a lie.

Apparently I was wrong. Silly me!

THE PREDATORS

These are the guys who start talking to you like absolute gents and then a day into what you think is a very civilised conversation, start questioning your sexual desires, or use the old school line of ‘what are you wearing?’. Funnily enough it’s a Wednesday night and I’m sitting here in some, quite frankly, unattractive baggy pyjamas. Most likely resembling an umpa lumpa after applying fake tan in preparation for the upcoming weekend. BUT, I’ll just pretend I’m sitting here in silky lingerie like a sex goddess, shall I?

THE ONE WITH ALZHEIMER’S

These guys send same witty paragraph to every match and then embarrassingly forget you’ve matched with them previously, resulting in them sending you the same spiel all over again!

THE PEN PAL

We’ve all been there, guys and girls! You could be chatting to someone for weeks and no matter how many hints are made, a date never happens.

And finally …

THE UN-MATCHERS/GHOSTERS

Both are just as bad (ghosting may be slightly worse!). You need to be super resilient for these ones. You can say the slightest thing wrong and be unmatched within seconds or just never spoken to again. These ones, I’ll struggle to ever understand and find it quite cruel that people can be so judgemental very quickly. Either that, or very fickle once they think they’ve found someone better. It’s a cruel dating world!

For anyone thinking about venturing onto these apps, here’s a few tips from me:

⁃ try not to put your heart on your sleeve

⁃ never explicitly trust a profile, as people can be majorly different in real life (personality included)

⁃ Don’t be disheartened by an unmatch or rejection. Quite simply, you won’t be everyone’s type

⁃ Be true yourself and upfront about what you’re looking for

Overall, I think these apps have made us lazy. It’s so easy to swipe left/right based on someone’s aesthetics and everyone seems to just be scrolling for the next best thing, rather than actually giving someone they like a decent chance. Furthermore, people are so quick to run away at the slightest hurdle these days and everyone is looking for perfection – it doesn’t exist!

Regardless of my very pessimistic view, I know these apps have worked for many. One of my best friends met the love of her life on tinder! So, there is hope .. Good luck to all in finding ‘the one’. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for being you, no exceptions.

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18 things I would say to my 18 year old self

1. You’ve probably just come back from Malia (and had the best time), but I promise your holidays will become a tad classier in future years and whenever you hear Kid Cudi’s, ‘Day & Night’, it will always make you reminisce! Also, I hope you made the most of it, because you can’t get a holiday in the U.K. for £400 these days.

2. Although you might detest the retail job you’re currently in, you’ll meet some of your best friends there, some of whom are still in your life today.

3. Never trust someone called Jack, or Sam, who offers you their milkshake at the end of a work shift – it’s a concoction of washing up liquid and anything else they could find in the kitchen! If only you knew before you took that large sip!

4. That same retail job will actually land you a job in a career you’ve been in ever since. So make sure you’re nice to every customer, as one of them will end up training you in your first insurance role! Thank you, for taking a chance on me, Julie!

5. That guy you meet at a bar (in Zens, for those of you who loved a night out in Dartford 😉 ) may be your first love but won’t be your forever love. So, when you do split up, don’t go into a world of despair, you’ve got years before you need to settle down.

6. Be careful what you write on Facebook – they’ll introduce a new feature whereby you can look back at your old statuses and you will cringe at the content and your vocabulary!

7. Delete your MySpace account – at the age of 31 you’ll realise it’s still online for all to see. Doh.

8. You’re NOT fat. Love the body you have now, because it’s going to be way harder to keep the weight off later on haha. There’s no way you can consume a large dominos every week now!

9. Don’t give up kickboxing! Your health is way more important than boozy nights out!

10. Carry on with acting – you love it and you’ll majorly regret that you didn’t pursue it.

Now, onto the deeper stuff…

11. Right now you don’t want children (and that’s not a bad thing), but stay open minded as that will change. You’ll want a family of your own one day!

12. Do not expect everyone to give back the same level of respect you give them. Unfortunately, you, like many others, will feel completely let down by people you think you can count on. Do not let that change you, or make you bitter.

13. You will end up losing a few good friends who you thought would be in your life forever. Most of this will be simply be because your lives have taken a different path and you’ve grown apart. There’s nothing wrong with this and sometimes friends are only there at particular points in our lives for a reason.

14. You’ll endure a lot of heartbreak and rejection in the next 10+ years and sometimes you’ll feel like giving up. Please don’t. I’m writing this now as I feel like doing the same but please don’t lose hope that someone will love you in a way you’ve always wanted.

15. Keep your guard up a little more and don’t let everyone in, not everyone has good intentions.

16. Embrace change and don’t worry about the future too much, or you’ll end up consumed by it.

17. Start having therapy as soon as you can. You may not think it now, but you’ll need it and It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ll be ok, I promise.

18. Be happy and live in the moment. You won’t know it yet, but you’ll look back and really miss these next few years.

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Goodbye 2020….What. An. Effing. Year

Ironically, I actually started writing this post back in May and never finished it. Perhaps subconsciously I knew this new way of life would last a lot longer than the original few weeks Boris first promised. With the New Year pending, it’s no surprise that I’ve seen a lot less ‘Bring on 2021’, or ‘New Year, New Me’ posts. Noone knows how long this fiasco will last.

BUT…there are POSITIVES! Here’s what I don’t miss and hopefully some of you can relate!

The daily commute. If the trains are screwed (highly likely when you use Southeastern), you’ll end up squashed underneath someone’s armpit, or the stench of morning breath. Fantastic way to start the day, eh? 

Talking of trains…Not worrying about how drunk I am and whether I will fall asleep past my stop. My first ever job actually made me a badge saying ‘Wake me up at Dartford’ – very awkward. Those who know me may also remember that a police car kindly gave me a lift home once after seeing me attempt to walk home in heels in the snow in the middle of the night… (offered them money like a cab and definitely did ask them to put their sirens on).  

For the ladies – wearing a full face of make-up, heels or even a bra every day. Let’s be honest, it’s been quite nice not having to make an effort every day hasn’t it? How free do ‘they’ feel?!

For the men who work in an office – how many of you have loved not wearing a suit and secretly turning up to zoom calls in your pants? Don’t pretend you haven’t!

Netflix. Not sure how many more series and films I can watch. That said, if anyone has recommendations please let me know! 

On a more serious note… 

Rushing to a gym class. Lockdown has made me realise that you don’t need a gym to stay fit. As much as I do miss my gym trainers, it’s been great doing home workouts!

Not having much time to do weekly chores. It’s been so nice not having to cram washing, hoovering and other flat (or house) chores, including general life admin into a few days at the weekend! 

Being judged by the hours sat at a desk, rather than actual productivity. I think this lockdown has truly tested and proved that we are all capable of managing our own time, whilst still doing a decent job. That said, i’d personally say it’s harder to maintain a work/life balance when your workstation and computer is a meter away from you at all times! I also feel sorry for those with children and having to homeschool, so there are pros and cons to this point. 

So..what have I missed?

The big one for me and I suspect for most is social interaction. I miss so many of my friends a ridiculous amount. They have been my absolute rocks this year and to those reading this, you know who you are. I can’t thank you enough for bringing me out of some seriously dark days.  Facetime and phone calls just aren’t the same as having someone there physically. I also started a new job at the beginning of lockdown and I’m still not convinced zoom is the greatest way to get to know your colleagues, or build solid relationships. For those that work in insurance, bring back ‘thirsty Thursdays’ in the Lamb, the Moon, or even Caminos! 

Holidays. Enough said. 

Dating, properly. I cannot wait to be able to do something fun and spontaneous, or just simply walk into a bar without worrying about a time slot! 

Being able to plan things without worrying what Tier everyone’s in. 

Spending time with people without breaking any rules. Living alone is hard and has tested me hugely these last few months. Sometimes you just want someone there to vent to, or share your day with, no matter how boring it may be. 

WHAT HAVE I LEARNT THAT I WILL TAKE INTO 2021?

  • I’m more resilient than I originally thought and can accept my own company, even on the hardest days
  • I have no time for time wasters
  • I have to remain respectful to other people’s opinions and stay open minded
  • No matter how many rejections I get, I won’t ever be a cold person. I’ve tried not to care, but it never works!
  • I owe so much to a lot of people for picking me up and reminding me what I deserve on the days that I feel stuck
  • Everyone has different things they’re sad about and just because I feel like someone is in a different position to me, their feelings are still valid. 
  • I am not alone.

Taking away all the 2020 negatives, I’ve really loved seeing so many people come together this year, reach out and support each other. Lockdown babies, engagements, new relationships and some weddings too! 

Here’s to 2021 being fuller of all of the above. 365 days. 365 new chances.

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Single in a Soulless Society

I never thought I would have the guts to put this out there, but if writing this can help me release some pent up feelings and at the same time help someone in a similar situation relate – why not, eh? 

I’d like to think I’m doing OK for myself – from the outset I’m independent, have a stable job in the City, live on my own, live comfortably on a single income and most importantly, have some of the most amazing friends a girl could wish for. 

But, on the inside, I have an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt and worry. It comes in waves, but can leave me feeling so low some days that I don’t want to speak to anyone, or do anything. I just want to hide away and shut down. 

It’s the worry that I’m never going to have what I really want – a family. You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that I don’t need a man to feel fulfilled, but that’s just not me. I’m 31 in 3 weeks, I’m single and I want nothing more than to just meet someone I connect with, someone to laugh with, someone to share my day with. I miss companionship and connecting on a deeper level than all of the pretentious bullshit you see these days plastered all over the internet.  

It’s everywhere. 

Social media – a platform that can cause a hell of a lot of misery and mental health issues (as is now becoming very apparent and being spoken about more frequently). When I first started using Facebook and Instagram it was all fun and photos of drunken nights out with friends. Now, at the age of 30, it’s an endless sea of couples, engagements, babies and weddings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my friends! I love visiting a newborn baby and watching my friends’ babies grow into little human beings. Plus, who doesn’t love a good wedding too? Especially those abroad – great excuse for another holiday.

However, we all know that society doesn’t use it as a platform to be REAL- I’m totally guilty of this too…if you saw mine, you would just think I was a ‘happy-go-lucky’ singleton, constantly having fun and living her ‘best life’, as they say. What’s worse is that if you do then use it to show a little emotion, or realness, you’re judged and seen as an attention seeker. To be honest, I’m at the point now where I don’t give a f**k what anyone thinks of me putting these blogs up. I would rather show people that it’s OK to have emotions and to show them, instead of being fake. 

Onto the next – dating apps – (in my eyes) one of the worst platforms ever invented. To the point I refused to use them for a little while before taking the plunge. They can build you up and drag you down within minutes. They can be an ego boost, or a just a hub of rejection. In the last 2 years I’ve found myself constantly deleting and re-uploading them. Bumble, for example, prompts the woman to speak first once they have matched and if the guy doesn’t reply within 24 hours it unmatches automatically – it’s hard after a little while to not take the failed attempt at making conversation personally. Let’s also not forget the fact that these apps are purely based on looks. Full of faces which are most likely unrecognisable in person and gym selfies. What happened to just meeting in a bar and getting to know someone? Also, is chivalry dead? I ask this because many men (and I’m sure women too), use these apps simply to sleep around – not actually date. If they haven’t already, why doesn’t someone just invent an app for sex only…at least users would know where they stood straight away, rather than receiving messages like “the things I would do to you”; yes, genuinely received that once. Don’t get me started on ‘ghosting’ too; what I describe as the ‘coward’s way out’. Seriously, where’s the level of respect gone?

It’s not all negative though – I have friends getting married who have met on these apps, so I know for a fact they do work sometimes, but they’re just not for me. It’s at the point now where I question every little move I’ve made on a date, questioning whether I’ve said the right thing, worn the right thing etc. It’s left me feeling a little empty and unworthy when feelings are constantly unrequited. It can leave me questioning, ‘why am I not good enough?’. 

The purpose of me sharing this is with hope that it can help someone of a similar situation see that you are not alone – because I’m not afraid to admit that it really does feel lonely sometimes. If you’re a female, in your early 30s and wondering when your life will take a different course, I feel you. You’re not the only one who gets asked regularly why you aren’t in a relationship, or why you don’t have children yet. Or better yet, ‘Do you actually want kids?’, as if it’s easy to just find a guy to start a family with, just because everyone else is doing it.

Ladies, keep going, set the boundaries, pick yourself up after the rejection and live in the hope that it will happen one day. Also, it’s not all bad – no one to answer to and no one to keep you awake at night with their constant snoring and farting.

Just keep trying and embrace it while you can- it’s what I have to keep telling myself.

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Why I Started Counselling and Why You Should Too

Counselling/therapy (whatever you want to call it) – why is there still such a huge stigma around it? When you’re ill, or your body is hurt and you need to recuperate, you rest and you feed your body back to healthy. So, why is it less important or ’embarrassing’ do to the same with your mind? The UK counselling directory states that 615 million, yes, million, people suffer with anxiety and depression – and that’s the ones they know about. It’s so important to self assess and realise that you are at such a low point that you need help.

For me, this started around 6 years ago. I won’t go into the details of my upbringing, but to cut the long story short I no longer speak to either of my parents. I usually put on a front and say it doesn’t bother me, but truth be told I just cried a little writing this. I still hold an untold amount of resentment towards them and its something I am slowly trying to change. I still carry some of their baggage and still blame them for the way I handle situations, my feelings of abandonment and those of you reading this have probably noticed that I crave love, even if it hurts me in the process. Because of them, I have become the opposite and instead of abandoning people, I try to see the good in people and become a ‘fixer’. Something I have been told by two counsellors. The fixing part, I can change and am actively trying to (boundaries, right?). Unfortunately though, I will always have that need and want for stability with someone I love.

So, after months of being up and down with my emotions, I decided to book my first appointment. I will never forget what I learnt about myself within an hour. My counsellor asked me to tell her about myself and in response I spent ten minutes rattling off all of my life achievements, the holidays I had been on, my job etc. After this, we carried on with why I felt the need for counselling and how I felt. It wasn’t until the very end of the session, she made the very valid point of asking me whether I noticed anything interesting about my response to her “Tell me about yourself”. I hadn’t told her anything about me. I had listed off all my accomplishments. This followed with, “Have you ever felt like your parents are proud of you?”….I think you can all guess the answer to that based on my first response. The sessions that followed obviously became more in-depth and I slowly started to feel better. I’m nowhere near completely OK yet (who is?), but I like to think I’ve taken a lot on board.

That was one session, with someone I had met for one hour. So, imagine what a weekly counselling session can do for you when you are feeling at your lowest? I sometimes see my counsellor just to vent, not for anything specific. After lock-down I will most likely be back there having a little cry or a moan about something!

Now, just to make it clear, it is not a quick fix – counsellors are not there to fix you. They are there to help you figure out why you react to situations in a certain way (your ‘inner child’ has a lot to do with this) and then work on ways to change these behavioural patterns. Also, don’t be put off by your first session – most of the time they are more of a ‘get to know’ type session and sometimes you just end up unleashing tons of bottled up emotions without making much sense!

Although extremely brief, I hope this encourages someone to seek the help they need. These are tough times for everyone.

Being vulnerable is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.

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Selfish Self-Love Vs Selfish Narcissism…

What is lock-down/isolation teaching us about ourselves and others? Have you noticed anyone change? It’s a lot clearer to see behavioural patterns (including our own) when we are all in a similar situation. This post concentrates on narcissism, but also highlights the strong difference between being narcissistic and selfishly loving ourselves a little more (which we all need to do sometimes). There are some self-love tips at the end!

What’s the Difference?

Self-love
Happy & Fullfilled – Enjoys time alone/can be alone – Empathetic towards others – Can accept their faults

Narcissism
Nothing is ever good enough – Always have to be around others – Manipulative towards others – It is never their fault

This is my layman interpretation, which will hopefully help anyone who needs a little guidance on what to look out for – the ‘red flags’. Those individuals who genuinely mean it when they say they need time to themselves (most likely because they need to heal after something major) versus those who tell you they need to be alone, but still draw you into an emotional connection.

The main difference between the two is that acting on self-love is being selfish with ones self and ones own direct needs, but this does not mean you are totally ignorant to the needs of other people. If you practice self-love, you are still empathetic, aware of your actions and how these actions may effect anyone close to you. You recognise the fact you may need alone time and time to self reflect, but this does not mean you involve, or hurt others whilst doing so. Of course, no-one is perfect, but admitting mistakes and being self-aware is important.

On the flip side narcissists have a tendency to be extremely self absorbed, think very little about the feelings of others around them and find it hard to accept fault for their actions. More often than not, there is always an excuse for wrongdoing and they will also shift the blame if they can, or make you question whether you have a right to be upset with their actions. If one does finally apologise, it’s usually disingenuous. They are likely to repeat their actions as they do not believe what they have done is wrong.

How do they handle romantic relationships?

Individuals who are being ‘selfish’ in the self-love sense are usually alone, with no romantic connections, as they are taking time out to truly concentrate on themselves. When they are in this state of mind, it is very unlikely that they will lead anyone on under false pretences. If this person says they just want ‘fun’ and no commitment, they adhere to that without the empty promise of something more. They know the boundaries and there are no crossed wires, no talking about the future and no use of the ‘L’ word.

Narcissists, however, have a tendency to say they do not want a relationship, but still pursue someone in an attempt to fulfil their needs at that moment in time – remember, they cannot be alone. A classic narcissistic trait is the inability to commit, but still knowingly making you believe there is an emotional attachment. Once they eventually discard you, you may find yourself asking, “Did he/she really love me? What did I do wrong? Did I mean anything to him/her?”. They find it easy to pull away from people without remorse and this behavioural pattern will be repeated with others until they make the conscious decision to stop.

So, if you find yourself dealing with someone like the above, please remember that it isn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently.

Remember, it takes a stronger person to be alone and heal themselves without bringing anyone into their chaos.

Tips on self-love

Ways to practice self-love can involve a range of things, but these for me personally are the most important:

1. Take time out from everyone and everything. Switch your phone off, even if it’s just for an hour. Read a book, watch a film, meditate, exercise, binge Netflix, have a soak in the bath…anything that keeps your mind away from the rest of the world for a little while.

2. When you are having a bad day, or questioning yourself worth, stop and think about one thing you love about yourself, or something that makes you proud. If you are still struggling, why not message a friend and ask them – I can guarantee that if your friends are anything like mine they will lift your spirits within seconds and help you realise how valued you are.

3. Why not also think about the people you love and what you love about them? Reach out to them? Just because you may not love yourself today, doesn’t mean you can’t show love, or show you care to anyone else.

4. Stop comparing your timeline to where other people are in their lives. So what if your friends are married? So what if they have kids? So what if you live with your parents and don’t own a house? So what if you still haven’t found a solid career? Your choices have led to where you are today and you cannot go backwards, so look ahead and find comfort in the fact you will have everything you want one day.

5. Stop comparing yourself physically to others. We live in such a toxic, virtual society where people obtain status from the amount of followers/likes they have and lets be honest, 90% of pictures are airbrushed and edited. Honestly, I’d love a booty like J-Los and legs like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, but unfortunately I was never blessed with those genes. Everyone is different and you are you, so embrace it and stop picking out physical faults.

6. Set boundaries – this is so important. If someone oversteps those boundaries then make it known. If they continue to do so then walk away. Know your worth.

7. Lastly, remember you were given this life because you are strong enough to handle it. You are not a failure in any way and don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. Never let anyone else’s actions make you cruel. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

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Your Dreams…What Do They Mean?

What is a dream?

“A dream is a succession of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that usually occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep “(Wikipedia).

Why do we dream?

“The most honest answer is that we do not yet know the function or functions of dreaming. This ignorance should not be surprising because despite many theories we still do not fully understand the purpose of sleep, nor do we know the functions of REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is when most dreaming occurs. And these two biological states are much easier to study scientifically than the somewhat elusive phenomenon of dreaming” (Ernest Hartmann, a professor of psychiatry at Tufts University School of Medicine and the director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital in Boston).

Why are our dreams more vivid during the COVID-19 pandemic?

A couple of days ago I had a dream which was so vivid I woke up upset and confused about how I felt. It wasn’t the first time I had experienced this in the last month since lock-down. After some research, I realised I am not alone. A small Instagram poll whereby I asked if anyone was experiencing the same concluded that more than 85% of people were in the same boat. Vivid dreams can be experienced when someone has sleeping issues that cause a lack of sleep, such as insomnia, changes to your sleep schedule, or getting less sleep than usual. So, it’s no surprise that people are suffering considering their ‘normal’ day-to-day lives have completely changed.

So…what do our dreams mean?

Dreams about an ex
Don’t panic! This does not necessarily mean you are still pining after your ex partner (unless you do genuinely want to rekindle with them!). It could be that your current partner or someone particular in your life brings out similar feelings to those you had with your ex – whatever that feeling may be. It’s not necessarily a bad feeling and it’s not always a bad dream. If you are single, it can also mean you miss feeling wanted and the feeling of being in a relationship.

Dreams where your partner is cheating on you
Firstly, these dreams can naturally occur to anyone who has actually been cheated on. Remember, dreams are also made up of our memories. Now you are with someone new, it’s not surprising that this could mean you are insecure and worried deep down that your current partner will do the same. On a more pessimistic note, it can also mean you are suspecting something is wrong in the relationship, or that they have already betrayed your trust in some way.

Dreams where you are the cheater
This type of dream can suggest that you have already done something that compromises the integrity of the relationship, or that you feel guilty for something, which would entail betrayal in some way.

Dreams involving water
Any dreams involving water are reflective of your deepest subconscious thoughts. If you are drowning in your dream, it can mean that your emotions are all over the place. Has something drastic happened in your life recently? It usually symbolises overwhelming change. However, if you are dreaming of walking on water it can mean that you just need to understand your inner emotions a little better, alongside the fear of perhaps ‘going under’ with your emotions too.

Dreams where you are falling
This seems to be quite a common theme for our dreams, regardless of whether we are in the middle of a pandemic! These types of dreams usually suggest that you are feeling out of control in some way – something we are all feeling right now. They can also mean you are currently having thoughts that you think you are failure, or even inferior to someone else.

Dreams where you are being chased
These dreams can depict you are running away from something, or avoiding someone in the real world. It is a way of your subconscious telling you that you should confront this issue/person.

Dreams about animals
Different animals symbolise different things. I have chosen the animals which I hear about the most:
Apes/Gorillas – Can symbolise victory in your personal life – something you have really fought for. On the other hand it can also mean trouble with false friends/business partners.
Bears – Bears can symbolise growth, strength, power and independence.However, if a bear is attacking you in your dream this can denote uncontrolled aggression/anger and this could be yours or someone else’s emotions.
Bees – Bees in dreams are a good thing as they can symbolise hard work, good luck and happiness. However, if you should dream that you are being stung by a bee/bees, this suggests you feel you have been wronged by someone.
Snakes – Dreams about snakes can be both positive and negative. On the one hand it can symbolise healing, rebirth and regeneration. On the other it can indicate something in your life is toxic and you are fearful/running away from it.
Sharks – A shark in your dream can represent someone in your life who is draining you emotionally and in a negative way. It can depict someone who’s actions are harmful, yet they do not care about the consequences.

All of the above is based on online research and merely my way of compiling different types of common dreams and their meanings in once place.
If you are suffering with insomnia, here are some basic tips for a better nights sleep:

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We Are All In This Together…

During isolation I have noticed many of my friends are yoyo’ing with their emotions daily. One day they are super positive and the next they are upset, wondering when this will end. How many of you are having bad days where you wake up anxious and don’t see a light at the end of this unpredictable tunnel?

Of course, you are probably finding lock-down/isolation super tedious, but many people are going through waves of sadness for specific reasons. All of the predicaments below are genuine examples that belong to close friends of mine. No matter what you have going on, the chances are someone close by also has something troubling them.

A Postponed Wedding
Imagine the excitement of putting down the deposit for a wedding? The year or so it takes to plan and all the little details that most women have envisaged since the day they knew what marriage was. You reach the last 2 months beforehand and suddenly everything is off. There is nothing you can do apart from hope you are able to re-book and hope that all your most wanted guests can still attend. I read a very sweet Facebook post from a wedding photographer a few weeks ago and she suggested that any couple going through this should have their first dance on the day it was supposed to be. I think this is a beautiful idea, so if you are going through this, have your first dance…living room..kitchen..in pyjamas …however you want to do it. Then look forward to the real thing.

A Break-up
A close friend of mine recently split up with her partner of two years. Two years might not seem like a very long time to some people, but regardless of a length of time, the emotions are still there. In a COVID-19-less world, apart from the first week or so where people usually coop themselves up and grieve, there are usually plans to look forward to – holidays and nights in/out with the girls/guys. As we all know, these nights never usually stop the grieving and most of us end up crying into copious glasses of vino (or beer), but they’re certainly a distraction from it. Right now, lack of distraction after emotional turmoil is just proving how difficult it can be to simply force yourself to grieve with nothing else to concentrate on. These are the times when someone will sit there and question their worth, why it happened and what they could have done differently, with very little to stop them doing so. If you are going through a similar situation, try to use this extra time to grieve properly – you will come out of lock-down a stronger person.

Losing Jobs
When lock-down first started it became apparent that many unlucky people were starting to lose their jobs. In most cases I know of, it’s only one person in the household, so a family can still rely on half of the usual income. However, in this case both parents lost their jobs simultaneously. With two children to look after as well as themselves, they ended up facing a couple of weeks of severe anxiety and uncertainty before (luckily) one of them found a job, which now pays half their normal salary a month. If you are lucky enough to have a stable income from one person you live with, then don’t take it for granted. Sure, it might be tough for the first month, as we have a tendency to live beyond our means, but perhaps realise that when both your wages come in again, how much you could possibly save instead?

Unable To Visit Fathers Grave On His Birthday
A simple Instagram reaction to a picture of my school friend and her dad lead to her say, “Been a bit tougher this weekend, not being able to keep busy and distract myself or go to the crematorium. Sure it’s the same for many others too xxx.” Her dad sadly passed away almost 5 years ago from Huntington’s disease. Firstly, how amazing is it that someone feeling like this still thinks about others? This is the kind of empathy I want to encourage when I write these blogs. Secondly, just imagine how this must feel? Similarly, those who are losing relatives as we speak and are unable to attend hospitals, or funerals, to obtain some form of closure. All I can hope is that this saga ends as soon as possible so people can grieve properly.

A First Baby Scan, Alone
I don’t have children, but the majority of my friends do, so I have heard many a time their excitement when they go for their first few scans. For this couple it’s their first child, so to hear that she had to do this without her husband is extremely sad.

An ‘Important’ Birthday
This year, myself and most of my friends have turned/are turning 30. We all know that 30 is one of the ‘big ones’ and usually one of those where you have mass gatherings with family and friends, or even book a holiday! “It was [rubbish], but i had 18 people lined up for a trip to Dublin for my 30th, so i didn’t feel isolated or unappreciated, just unlucky.” Of course, its not just 30th’s, it’s any age ending in ‘0’, or a special anniversary. This might sound like a first world problem in comparison to others, but when you have something planned in the diary for months, which allows you to see all your nearest and dearest, it’s gutting to have to cancel.

There is so much happening in the larger world, but we all have things going on in our own little worlds. Right now, emotions are heightened and every thought/feeling is exaggerated.

PLEASE check in on on everyone you care about, even if you think they are OK. A simple ‘How are you?’ takes one minute to type and send. Empathy costs nothing and you might be surprised by the answer they give you.

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How To Handle Isolated Isolation…

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” — Mandy Hale

2020 – what a year it’s been so far. There is no point in listing all the things that have happened, because right now the main subject on everyone’s agenda is, of course, the dreaded COVID-19. The knife in everyone’s back and the reason half the nation is going stir crazy.

So, let’s start with the obvious. Isolation is not fun. Most of you (if you are following the rules) will not have seen family or friends for almost a month now and are isolating with the members of your household only. However, what about those who have no-one to isolate with? Those that are perhaps single, divorced, widowed, children have left home, spouses are key workers and aren’t around at normal times of the day etc. Personally, I fall into the single category and I can assure you that isolating alone is anything but exciting.

My job is very social and I interact with different people daily, so this is a huge shock to the system. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t found these last few weeks a struggle and the thought that this may last another two months fills me with dread; another month stuck within four walls and no physical interaction. I also would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of those isolating with their spouses. Sure, they probably annoy them sometimes and this is a huge test being constantly in each others pockets, but who doesn’t like a cuddle on the sofa and just the general company of someone always being there? Someone you can totally be yourself and slob around with (don’t pretend you are getting dolled up every day and don’t deny you are practically living in lounge suits and pyjamas these days!).

Many singletons may also be on dating websites, but I can’t help but feel that dating at this moment in time must also feel a little odd. First dates are now via video call and I do still think that’s great, but how can you gauge if you have chemistry with someone over a screen? There’s only a certain amount of times/hours you can talk to someone before meeting them properly – what if you run out of things to say by the time we are out of lock-down? I also can’t help assuming that there is a crowd of people who are now only using these sites due to pure boredom until this is all over, so having to sift through those individuals and find someone who genuinely wants to date is just tiresome.

However, I had a conversation with a close friend recently who has a completely contrasting view. They are active on ‘Hinge’ and they have actually found comfort in keeping connected with others by seeing it as a ‘non committal’ opportunity to speak to the opposite sex, whilst finding comfort in the fact there are others in the same position. So, I guess, this is very much each to their own and down to what makes you happy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try, but for me personally, it’s not something I will be participating in, which just highlights again that there isn’t anyone around.

If I was to think more positively about this, I could say that it’s great – you get your own space, no distractions, can watch whatever you want on television and can navigate your way through the day however you want to, but if I could have someone else there whilst doing so, I know that’s the option I would chose.

Now I’ve finished writing negatively (I promise, no more self pity), I have put together a little self-help guide of what to think about/things to do if you are in a similar position.

What to do?

1. Firstly and foremost, appreciate how lucky you are. Most of us are not essential/key workers. We have the ability to ‘WFH’, sip cocktails along the way, enjoy the sun (when we have it) and not run the risk of contracting this virus by constantly being around infected people. Also, we have so many forms of technology these days it’s so easy to keep in contact with friends and family. Imagine if we didn’t have these luxuries?

2. Following on from the above, use this time to reconnect with people. Maybe there is an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years? Family who live abroad whom you rarely catch up with? Or a even just a close friend you rarely get the time to have an in depth conversation with? This probably wont happen again in our lifetime, so make the most of it.

3. Use this as a time to self-heal and reflect. Ok, so you are on your own. There is nothing wrong with that. You could come out of this a stronger person, so see the positive side and be proud that you have endured this alone.

4. If you can, stay in a routine. For example, if you are remote working, wake up at your usual time, maybe do an online workout as if you were going to the gym, or just do your usual morning routine, whatever it is. If you have a video call with colleagues then dress yourself into some kind of decent clothing (even if its just the top half!), do your hair and if you can be bothered, apply a little make-up! You’re still working so embrace it like you usually would.

5. Go for a walk. I can’t tell you how therapeutic it is just to walk and listen to some chilled music. It enables you to just zone out and not think about anything else for a little while. I have recently discovered a love for American country music and bands like the Rolling Stones, which I NEVER thought I would enjoy as much.

6. Try a new hobbie, or revisit an old one. Painting, colouring, sewing, learning a new language, writing, baking – there are numerous things you can do.

7. Try not to overthink negative situations. This is something I can be guilty of every day, but if you had other distractions, would you really think this deeply into a situation? Will this matter in a year’s time? Probably not.

8. Have a pamper day, or just a day when you do your hair, make up and anything else like your normal average day. Have a video call with friends and have a drink with them.

9. Lastly, don’t be too hard on yourself if there are days you literally do nothing at all. I have seen so many posts on social media that insinuate you are lazy if you don’t come out of this with a new skill!?! This is a pandemic. Not a productivity contest.

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